A shocking but important lesson I have learnt today on Respect and Good Vibrations Spreading for the New Year Eve

I had the idea of writing that blog post, just after I have received an unexpected phone call this evening at my in-laws’ place, and it made me so furious that a fight even happened between me and my husband, but finally ending with an understanding from my husband.

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Like every 2nd of January, at my in-laws’ place in Mauritius, my father-in-law organizes a big lunch reuniting all his brothers, sisters-in-law, my mother-in-law, his sons, daughters-in-law, nephews, nieces and grandchildren within the commemoration of the New Year. As we had the opportunity to come to Mauritius to celebrate the New Year with them for one week, we had a wonderful dinner organized in a very good atmosphere, even though the children, ie my nephew and my son, were messing around here and there as kids 🙂 After dinner though, the phone rang and I picked up the phone, thinking that it was my husband’s brother who was calling to inform that he arrived safely at home, since he always calls when he reaches home safely. Instead of him, it was a female voice which seemed to be familiar to me but for which I wasn’t sure myself, and I came to know that it was my cousin’s wife’s voice, an insane and hypocrite woman I really dislike, since she gossiped a lot against me and my husband with a lot of people in the family and is reputed to be a troublemaker and a disrespectful person. She thought first it was my mother-in-law who picked up the phone, but then she came to know that it was me, whom she mentioned as “D….’s wife!” It made me extremely angry when she called me as “D…’s wife” (NB: D is the initial letter of my husband’s first name), since we know each other since I was 7 years old and since she knows very well that we are sisters-in-law and that her husband and I are cousins. She suddenly treated me as a stranger instead of a family member, and this partly thanks to the gossips my mother made against my in-laws and even against myself when some serious conflicts between my parents and my in-laws arose exactly 11 years ago, in year 2007 on a 2nd January evening during the annual New Year dinner! I didn’t hesitate to talk to her very brutally in presence of my husband and of my mother-in-law and put that asshole back at her place, since I didn’t appreciate the fact she was treating me as a stranger, as she knows me very well since I was a child, and this was something I interpreted totally as a pure lack of respect towards a family member, even though I am younger than her. My husband and my mother-in-law, instead of supporting me, reproached me for my brutality against her since it’s the New Year, instead of understanding the way she disrespected me and treated me as a total stranger. But after a tough explanation, at least my husband understood the situation though it was very hard to understand it first for him.

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First of all, even though I wrote the blog post previously about Fireworks, Thankfulness and Forgiveness, and even though I wished a Happy New Year and decided to forgive all my frienemies and enemies, it doesn’t mean that I accepted what those people did to me… and that sister-in-law is unfortunately among all those adversaries that I have in life, belonging to the last category I mentioned on those who act as spies for my adversaries in disguise of a fake and hypocrite friendship, only to fish information from me and then repeating everything to my adversaries to allow them destroying me a little more. Then I started thinking about what has just happened and I started asking me some fundamental questions: Why do also hypocrites wish us Happy New Year? Why do they think of us and wish us the best whereas behind our back they keep on criticizing, blaspheming and gossiping against us constantly? Why should I wish her a hypocrite Happy New Year in return of her hypocrite wishes, whereas she doesn’t even deserve those wishes from me after all the pain she caused to me?

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The Wikipedia gives two definitions of the words respect and which are totally true. The first one as “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” and the second one as “due regard for the feelings, wishes, or rights of others.” Further to my own experiences that I have had, I HATE the second definition, which is something that I see in a very extreme way in my own patriarchal family, which is of Hindu religion, and in which the youngsters must always respect their elders, even though the elders never respect them and mistreat them. For me, this is not respect, this is pure abiding and I never understood and was always against it since I was a child. See my narcissistic parents for example. Why should I respect them despite all the pain they caused to me due to the emotional and verbal abuse I have been experimenting as a golden child or as a scapegoat alternatively and depending of their mood swings? And unfortunately this is the kind of respect that all the youngsters of my patriarchal family were taught to practice towards my parents, especially since my father belonged to the second generation if we consider my grandparents’ generation as the first one. According to what I heard, it seemed that all the elders disrespected their children but the children were forced to abide, especially the girls in the family. For me I am categorical: if a child respects his grandparents and elders, that same child also deserves the same respect from his elders equally.

However, wherever, nonetheless, I accept that definition of respect is when I retrieve myself in some specific circumstances. For example, I will express my respect if there is a funeral in a family or among some people who are in pain, even though I don’t really love them. This is exactly what I am actually feeling for my sister-in-law, since her father fell seriously ill due to some cardiac complications and had to do surgery in emergency to recover. I will express my respect if I see a funerary procession, in a cemetery or a marriage being celebrated by avoiding to make some noise. I will express some respect for other religions even though their beliefs are different from mine. I will express some respect in case there is a prayer being held in any religious buildings such as a temple, a church, a mosque, etc by not making noise. I will respect the regulations when it comes on specific places such as supreme court or hospitals. I will respect the decision of keeping a minute of silence for people who died even though I don’t know them personally. I will respect the hard work made by anyone who took so much time to concretise it, such as the buildings of the architects or the novels written by an author, or the ascension of newly graduated people doing their first steps into the professional world. I will also respect God and all Its creations, and for example avoid some behaviors when I go to the prayer room. I have respect for Mother Nature and for cleanliness, which makes that I always care for having a good life hygiene in respect of the environment around me and of my own health. There are so many examples again to mention but they are some examples of behavior I adapt as any good citizen would do, either in Mauritius or overseas.

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However, I really enjoy the first definition of respect, and this is that kind of respect that I feel for some celebrities and also for several of my loved ones among my family, my in-laws, my friends, my social networks and society in general. I would like to illustrate that definition of respect, not with an example, but rather with a counter-example. It’s been one year since I am good friends with a young public figure, Krishna Athal. The way we came to know each other and we became good friends is very particular, since it’s thanks to one of his college friends, who is also another local Mauritian celebrity like him, that I heard about Krishna for the very first time, but not with the best critics unfortunately. The local celebrity who criticized Krishna so harshly shamelessly showed his true colors to Krishna one day, while they met in a restaurant one day during lunch time. Krishna was talking on his mobile phone, whereas the local celebrity was by hazard entering the restaurant. The celebrity saw Krishna and didn’t care if he was on the phone. He toughly patted Krishna on his shoulder with his hand from behind, and this was something Krishna said he really hated, and I give him right on that since if this happened to me in public, I wouldn’t have hesitated to reprimand the person even though it’s somebody who is close to me. What made me laughing was that the local celebrity asked Krishna “Ki position mo frere?” (How are you, my brother in Mauritian Creole). As Krishna already knew the truth through me on all the bad things that the celebrity gossiped with me against him, he didn’t answer and kept on talking on the phone and told me that when it happened, he thought of me and he smiled 🙂 I really admire Krishna’s calm temperament in front of the thunderstorm, and I wish I could imitate him because I was really boiling by the way the celebrity did against Krishna, especially when he mentioned Krishna as a “brother” in the face, but talked rubbish against him and his personality behind his back. For me also this is a huge lack of respect, and purely hypocrisy. If you are not in good terms with someone you consider as an enemy, why should you then be hypocrite with that person? Better let that person go and move your own way without offending anyone, nah?

For the New Year also, as the whole family reunites together with my in-laws, there are a lot of hypocrites who sit at the same table and enjoy that family moment with us. But since I am a daughter-in-law in a Hindu family, even though I don’t have anything to do with them, I unfortunately have no other opportunities than to socialize with them like with the rest of the society during those family meetings and to please them if they wish to organize plans for us during our holidays. But frankly if I had an opportunity to avoid all that, I would have done it since a very long time. But there is another reason which retains me from doing that, and that reason is that I have a son who is growing up and being raised into that family too though we live away from them all geographically, and that my in-laws, as well as his patriarchal grandparents, my husband and I as his parents, are the only references that he has in life to be able to evaluate… and of course without forgetting also his teachers who are also his other references, but which thank God, are very sincere and professional people whom I really estimate and am thankful to for the great help they are giving into my son’s education. Sometimes, you need to express some respect by at the same time practicing hypocrisy due to some specific circumstances, such as your own interests, to protect yourself or because you need to teach some specific values to your children so that they grow up together with those good principles.

As we are talking about hypocrisy, unfortunately I noticed through experience that, in a lot of circumstances, hypocrisy and respect matched with each other and it’s a very sad fact that still exists. A quote in French attracted my attention:

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It’s translated as such: It’s better to honor the spontaneous respect and without bias, and to dishonor the hypocrite and deliberated respect, if the first one focuses on totality and the second one on a minority. Unfortunately I haven’t found anything specific where hypocrisy and respect match together, but within the Mauritian culture, unfortunately they both match together in several ethnicity. There is however an interesting article I have fished where the author demonstrates some tricks to avoid becoming an untrustworthy hypocrite with that extract which is meaningful and seems to explain that hypocrisy and respect can match together in some circumstances:

Every day you’re presented with problems and challenges to overcome, and each decision you make about how to handle them plays a significant role in how the people you rely on to trust you see you. To be seen as a hypocrite is to lose respect and trust from the people you depend on.

If you want to avoid hypocrisy in your own life, and maintain the trust you’ve worked so hard to build, then you’re in luck because much research tells us that there are at least nine different things you can do keep hypocrisy at bay as you navigate the often turbulent waters of life.

Let’s take the example of a teacher and the students, especially a teacher hated by a lot of students and who represents the main subject the students will have to learn for the final exam. I remember that when I was studying in Lycee, I had a stressful Accounts teacher, a French expatriate. Everyone hated him because he was always permanently stressed and bad-tempered. Despite all he was really passionate about his job and his subject and he was an excellent teacher. Despite the students’ hatred for him, that teacher deserved their respect through their discipline and hard work, and I may say that it’s thanks to that teacher that they could graduate.

On whatever I wrote above, there is one quote which confirms the kind of respect on which I totally disagree, especially when it comes on the gap between older and younger generations:

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It’s exactly the kind of respect that Aretha Franklin requests in the lyrics of her 1967 superhit “Respect” where she mentions about the story of a man who is financially pampered by his rich wife, but who asks of being loved and respected in return. And that is why I conclude my concept about respect through the quote below:

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My New Year 2018 Message to my Frienemies: Fireworks, Thankfulness and Forgiveness

First of all I would like to send to all my readers all my best wishes for a very happy and prosperous New Year 2018. I am actually celebrating it in Mauritius, and as usual I turn emotional when I hear all those firecrackers at midnight, as soon as we enter into the New Year. In several parts of the World, especially some public and popular places per country, there are some special events which happen for the New Year with the festival of firecrackers. Everybody knows about the firecrackers in Sydney in Australia, the Big Ben in United Kingdom, Times Square in New York, Berlin in Germany, in China, etc. But what is common with those parts of the world, as I said before, is that those fireworks are organized in the most popular public places of the country. In Mauritius though, this is not the case. In Mauritius, the whole island is illuminated and animated with the sound and light of the colorful firecrackers. I never wondered what it looked like to experience fireworks in Mauritius on video, since I have been growing up in that culture since I was born as a pure Mauritian. But during the passage from year 2017 to year 2018, while I was celebrating it with my in-laws, I saw a Drone flying high in the sky. I didn’t really understand what it was since I am not at all technology connected, but then while doing some researches on YouTube, I saw that beautiful video from the sky filming the firecrackers in Rose Hill in the district of Plaines Wilhems, in the Centre of the island. Hereunder a look about the firecrackers seen from the sky, a video which I found really beautiful and which made me proud of being a Mauritian:

Each time I see firecrackers, I don’t know why but I cannot help myself becoming emotional. This morning then, I wanted to do a few researches about the firecrackers and its History. In this article from the Ancient Origins, here are a few extracts which I found very interesting about the firecrackers:

By the 11th century there were gunpowder weapons in China and in the early 12th century, the Chinese used firecrackers and fireworks (yen huo) to celebrate a visit of the Chinese emperor. Chinese fireworks included rockets (or “earth rats” because they were fired over the ground) and wheels, coloured smoke-balls, crackers and fireworks attached to kites. They all made a “glorious noise”.

The second paragraph explains a few historic details about the usage of firecrackers and its insertion in the European continent and culture and in which context it’s used, but one of the most interesting ones mentioned in that paragraph is the festival of Nuremberg in Ancient Germany, with an illustration a man in a bright costume wearing a smoking hat on the head and an artichoke in the hand spreading firecrackers. within the framework of the Schembart Festival of the 16th century, which was considered as controversial by some politicians who were offended by the Schembart participants who were doing some pranks at them with their costumes.

In Mauritius, one of the reasons why firecrackers are important in our culture dates from an Ancient Chinese Folklore, which is the legend of Nian, a monster who manifested before the beginning of Spring in China and who devastated humanity and all what it could destroy. The only way to repulse that monster was to light firecrackers. Since now for the Chinese Spring Festival, the folklore keeps on going on every year during the Chinese Spring Festival and was also adapted within the Mauritian culture, since we still believe nowadays that lightning firecrackers at midnight for the New Year removes all the negativity of the past year and welcomes the positiveness of the forthcoming new year. But there is also a much less known but very interesting festival which welcomes the venue of firecrackers, the festival of Thrissur pooram in Kerala, India, described in Wikipedia as “an annual Hindu temple festival held in Kerala, India. It is held at the Vadakkunnathan Temple in Thrissur every year on the Pooram day – the day when the moon rises with the Pooram star in the Malayalam Calendar month of Medam“, the Medam being from the 16th April to the 15th May of every year in the Western Calendar.

Seeing all those details, I meditated a lot on the effect of the fireworks and how it made me at the same time positive and emotional each time that we enter a brand new year. I am not the kind of the person who believes in New Year Resolutions, but this year I decided to forgive after such a long time.I decided to make of the New Year 2018 my special Year of Forgiveness, which however has nothing to do with the definition of the Year of Forgiveness explained in Christianity. I was in a mood today where after a long time, I decided to forgive all my enemies and frenemies, because they all destroyed me, but in return, without expecting it, they opened for me new doors and new opportunities that were offered to me and which they would never expect me to embrace one day. There is especially a quote which I really appreciated and which motivated me about the year of forgiveness:

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So meditating on that quote, I would like to list the categories of people and some specific people whom I would like to forgive and let go this year and to wish them a very happy New Year 2018 with a sincere heart. Saying that, I would like to dedicate an old song from Katy Perry, for which the lyrics and the video clip completely inspired me to write that blog post. I think that you have all seen the music video of Fireworks, where there were so many broken people including Katy Perry herself, who decided to get away from the past and to live their lives anew by spreading fireworks from their chests? But here-under I am sharing with you all the lyric video of Fireworks, since the images and lyrics are really inspirational and would be a perfect New Year Message:

One of the extracts which especially touched my heart says, I quote,

May be a reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt your heart will glow
And when it’s time you’ll know

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

Then I came to understand that the reason why all doors were closed for me was that I was unable to forgive those who hurt me so much, and which made that I keep all the time living in the past instead of living in the present or in the future. Also, this year I decided to forgive, to let go and to take a new departure, since I turned 37 years old in 2017 and since in this blog post, I obtained the number one as per described in numerology as the number of a new beginning in my life.

I decided, first of all, to forgive my toxic parents, a narcissistic mother and a passive and absent father. Thanks to the abuse that they did on me, they opened the door they would never expect me to experiment one day by marrying someone who doesn’t match at all with their choice, but which is giving me a satisfactory life where I am not missing anything, where I am slowly but surely and carefully building my social network and life in real life like in virtual, and where I drastically changed for the best even though it has been and it is still an extreme hard work. I decided to forgive my mother, who thought that by giving me her name Uma in addition to birth, she would make of me her photocopy and dirty Maha Shakti’s name and reputation under her Kali Avatar in her negative aspect. Instead, she made me discovering that Uma was a sacred name and that each woman should be like a Shakti in her home and a fighter at the image of a Jansi Ki Rani, as per described in a very beautiful speech made in Creole during the elections of year 2014 in Mauritius, where the speaker, Sandhya Bhoygah, was severely denouncing the lack of respect of our ex-Prime Minister against young girls and some women of the country, but also how, for money and power, some women ashamed and tarnished the Mauritian womanhood under the influence of that controversial Prime Minister. When I came to konw about the value of my name Uma, I decided to thank my mother for having given me that name, and I decided to forgive her since she gave me an opportunity to give to that name the blessed image of Goddess Parvati and no more the destructive and negative Tantric aspect of Maha Kali that my mother used to worship to destroy people.

I would like to forgive my sister-in-law, who is my husband’s young brother’s wife. She is the one who is behind so many controversial divisions she created together with my mother to endanger my marriage preparations with my husband, since she never wanted me to enter the family and instead preferred having her elder sister to enter into the family at my place. For so many years she destroyed a lot of things in the family and imposed her conditions despite being a daughter-in-law, but without realizing it, she helped me into getting away from my toxic parents forever, especially my mother, who was her number one complicit into dividing both my husband and me, and who now turned into one of my sister-in-law’s worst enemies. Thanks to her controversies, she encouraged both my husband and I to take our distance from not only my family but also my in-laws, not only morally, but even geographically, since my husband got new and better job opportunities overseas and since it allowed us to have a much better life than we would have surrounded all the time with my in-laws in Mauritius. Because of her divisions, she encouraged us to go, and this for better horizons, and for that not only do I thank her, but I also forgive her and wish her a Happy New Year.

I would like to thank and to forgive some of the in-laws who hated me and who still hate me since I come from a very rich and influential family and refused to understand that money doesn’t buy happiness. Those same people who hated me today are still the same ones to whom I am opening the door of my house and inviting to my table together with my family to eat and to drink. Those same people also hate both me and my mother-in-law since we are both cousins and since my marriage with my husband is an inbred one and made them gossiping that my mother-in-law would prefer me to my sister-in-law since we are cousins. But the fact that I left the country and gave high space for my sister-in-law and her family got everyone disconcerted my in-laws and made some of them discovering my sister-in-law’s true colors, but also my own true colors as someone humble who understands life despite my fortune and who understands the true meaning of family rules. For having misjudging both me and my mother-in-law for what we are not, I would like to thank and to forgive them since those same people belong to the category of dividers, the kind of people who don’t like unity and who love messing everywhere thanks to their short mind and gossips.

I would also like to thank another category of people who confuse division and diversity and who don’t understand the concept of unity. Among them there was someone whose ego was so strong that he felt suddenly endangered when he came to discover that he had a tough adversary. But that person who felt in danger wanted to monopolize everything and to be the only perfect Mauritian everyone should follow, an attention seeker and a narcissistic and divisive person who never wanted to give anyone the chance to be oneself but who wanted to brainwash everyone to remold them only at his image. Thanks to that narcissist, whom I came to discover the true colors and whom I had serious troubles with a couple of years ago, I came to acknowledge his famous adversary and that this adversary was someone who really understood the concept of the “we” instead of the “I” since he believes in unity within diversity and not unity within division.

I would like to thank and forgive some people among my in-laws who divided me from my family even though my family was wrong in a lot of aspects in their relationship with my in-laws and with myself, and didn’t behave properly towards my in-laws nor towards myself. I would like to thank and forgive them because though I kept silent and cried secretly all those years for having been parted away from my family because of those in-laws’ gossips and pressures, those same people indirectly taught me the famous law of karma which mentions that what comes round goes round, since at their turn they are experimenting in their own lives the same sorrows they wished to me, but which me in return, I never wished them, even in my worst moments of anger and sadness and despite all the bitter tears of blood I have been spreading because of them, since it was MY DECISION to stay away from those family members of mine who failed in having a good relationship with my in-laws, and NOT MY IN-LAWS to decide whether I should have stayed away from my family, especially my parents, even though I recognize that I have toxic parents and come from a dysfunctional and messy family.

I would like also to thank and to forgive all those who refused to help me when I was in need, those who were absent when I needed them the most, and the ones who “helped” me in disguise of a “coup de pied” (foot kick in the ass!) instead of a “coup de main” (helping hand), and who were people who pretended to help me but who were making me passing for an incapable in front of everyone, who kept on underestimating me all the time on my capacities and responsibilities, who kept on criticizing me and seeing everything wrong in all what I was saying and doing, and those same people who helped me to get all the awards and honors from their surroundings and making me passing for a zero. Thanks to them, I moved my way away from them, fought very hard most of the time on my own to be able to do something and turned slowly but surely from the handicapped caterpillar caught prisoner in its cocoon into a radiant butterfly. There was a blog post where I wrote about someone who wanted to “help” a caterpillar getting away from its cocoon instead of letting Mother Nature doing her job. By helping the caterpillar, when it went out of the cocoon it turned frail and was unable to grow up healthily, and it died. This was that kind of help “coup de pied” that I have exactly had in the past, but God was great to me and healed me with time, and I am slowly but surely recovering from my injuries of that toxic help and turning little by little into the radiant butterfly I want to become since I moved away from those so-called helpers and imposed my law, rights and conditions on them bravely and courageously.

I would like to thank and to forgive all those incapable and toxic teachers at school, in university and in real life who mislead me, since thanks to them, I came to understand that I could count only on myself and not on anyone else, and since they arose my curiosity on all the things I said and encouraged me to justify their words by doing my own researches myself and proving them wrong through my results. One of 6 the worst teachers I have experienced in life was a teacher I had when I was 6 years old and who always bullied me and menaced to put me as the last child of the class since I was shy and lacked confidence with myself. I succeeded into telling her my four truths before I took part in my final baccalaureate exams, and kept grudge against her for years, but today I decided to forgive her and to thank her for her bullies, since she contributed into spoiling her own reputation by her own fault because of her ego and arrogance, and since she made me discovering that I wasn’t finally that idiot, since I have a true thirst for culture and knowledge today 🙂

I would like to thank also all those who bullied me since I was born, either in my family, at school, in university, in church or any other kinds of society I evolved since I was born, since they always made fun of me and mocked me, but are being banged by Karma in return for some of them in their own lives, or are today discovering how, from their ugly duckling, I turned into the swan that was hiding in me and am doing my way for turning into a unicorn for having a personality of my own, regardless to the bullies, mocking and negative critics and judgments from others and which today are making me completely indifferent towards them, and more and more confident and in love with myself. Thank you so much Sinon Loresca Jr. for that beautiful lesson of using the bullies from others against you to fall in love with yourself and with life!

I would like to thank and forgive all the people who also discriminated me at the profit of other people, and who belong to the same category of people who let me down when I needed help at the weakest part of my life. They also belong to the category of people who will reject you because you are different from the rest of the gang and who use your difference for making of you the black sheep of a group or the ugly duckling of the group. But thanks to their discrimination, those people taught me that they didn’t reject me because I wasn’t good enough for them, but they taught me that they rejected me because I was different and that there were other opportunities which were better for me and for which they would never fit in, and which explains that every human should have the unicorn spirit for which you are born original and shouldn’t die as a copy.

Finally, I would like to thank all the elegant monsters who showed themselves with masks of hypocrisy towards me but who finally showed me their true colors at the example of that individual who made me discovery his adversary who believed in unity within diversity, or those who pretended to befriend me, but who acted as frienemies to me and stabbed me at the back shamelessly behind their ugly masks full of heavy make-up. Most of them unfortunately are part of my own family, who fished a lot of information from me when my relationship with my parents torn apart after my marriage, not because they wanted to support me, but because they pretended to befriend me only to collect all information from me to share them back to my parents since they were totally complicit with my parents. Those same elegant monsters remind me a lot about Rachel from the movie “My Cousin Rachel” or the sulfurous Catherine Tramel from “Basic Instinct 2” and I came to discover from those so-called relatives that they were all complexed and mentally sick people and minds hiding behind elegance and heavy make-up.

Also, to all those whom I thanked, forgave and wished Happy New Year 2018… Let’s begin that brand new year… And let the game of karma start 🙂 Tchin Tchin!

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The shelling of the Story of Nativity and its incredible coincidences with Paganism and Ancient Egypt

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As I am a big fan of Ancient Origins, I subscribed myself to a website which is called “Ancient Origins” and I wanted to seize the opportunity of the Christmas festivities to reconstitute the origins of Christmas through a blog post recapitulating several interesting facts that I have found on the origins of Christmas thanks to that website. All of us know that Christmas, for Christians, means the celebration of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ whereas for non Christians, it’s a very special tradition made with Christmas tree, Santa Claus and His Santa Helpers, the arrival of Winter, good food during family meetings, distribution of gifts to your loved ones and especially to children and a special thought especially for the vulnerable society including the poor, the elderly and the disabled among all of them. But do we REALLY know the origins of Christmas? Is Christmas REALLY linked with Jesus Christ’s birth, since there were some sources stipulating that he was not born in December? It would be interesting for us to discover more about the tradition of Christmas. I did several researches on Ancient Origins, and I would like to propose you a recapitulation of some interesting points to remember regarding the Christmas celebration.

It would take me a long expose in that blog to describe Christmas, since there were so many interesting stuffs I discovered in those sites and which I won’t be able to post in one single blog post. This one, for example, turns around the Nativity and the Birth of Jesus Christ, and what we should understand behind it and as per the interpretation of the Holy Bible in comparison with the interpretation of the Ancient Times. if I would like to write that blog post also, it’s because according to some press articles I have discovered thanks to a friend of mine, several countries in Europe banned and removed the traditional Christmas crib, which is a part of the tradition in most of those countries which follow Roman Catholicism. Because of the increasing number of migrants invading those countries and unfortunately applying their own rules instead of respecting and applying the rules of their new homeland, those countries completely turned upside down, mostly by the fault of their government who tolerates those migrants much more than their own citizens. I hope that through that blog post, I can contribute into teaching and reminding to the maximum people the true roots of Christmas and its place within religion, not only within Christianity, but also in all other religions of the world.

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First of all, where do the very first origins of Christmas come from? This article is first of all proposing to us an interesting book to purchase and to read from author Joseph F. Kelly, entitled “The Origins of Christmas”, where we may find some interesting stuffs in other articles about it until we acknowledge containing of that book. In this one for example, a British physician, chose to celebrate Christmas as per the Medieval Times. Here is an extract explaining the importance of the pilgrimage of the Medieval Travelers during Christmas time which is worth to be meditate about: “Pilgrimages were sometimes local affairs, or they could be epic voyages across land and sea. These trips, sometimes dangerous, were taken up as a test of the pilgrim’s faith. Medieval pilgrimages were a way of life, and initially an involved practice that took travelers to Christian sites connected to the life of Jesus—especially Holy Land destinations such as Jerusalem, Nazareth and Bethlehem, some 3,000 miles (4800 kilometers) away from Europe. As time went on, pilgrimages were done closer to home to see relics and places of martyrs and saints, becoming the first holidays (holy days) taken by Medieval people.

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His pilgrimage is very original and completely differentiates from the idea that we all have regarding the nativity. We all know about the Nativity scene described as per the Holy Bible, when Mother Mary gave birth to our Lord Jesus Christ in a manger in Bethlehem. When Jesus was born, there was a shining star in the sky that the Shepherds saw and which was announcing the birth of the Messiah. After Jesus was born, three Kings saw the little angel and bent down in front of Him with precious gifts such as myrrh, cherubim and seraph. This is the scene that is reconstituted every year in most part of Roman Catholic countries.

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However, this article gives a completely different description about that Holy Star, which completely contradicts the Nativity scene that we all know, and considered as the celebration of the Winter Solstice: “Rooted in the cyclical pagan year, Christmas can be linked back to the celebration of the Winter Solstice around December 21st, a time when the night was at its longest, and the coming of the “light” was celebrated and revered. New hope, the Sacred Fire, the Light of the World, all represented the end point of one natural cycle, and beginning of another. The Solstice may have been the longest and darkest of days and nights, but from that point on, there would be more light and the promise of a coming spring.” Another article stipulates about the mystery of that Nativity star. According to the Holy Bible, the star guided the three wise men to the manger where Jesus was born. The Star was in the East Side, whereas the three wise men were taking a South route to Jerusalem. And what was strange was that the Star was guiding the three wise men to the South, whereas it was a star of the East. How could it be? In that article, one paragraph could perhaps explain that phenomenon:

If Matthew’s wise men actually undertook a journey to search for a newborn king, the bright star didn’t guide them; it only told them when to set out. And they wouldn’t have found an infant swaddled in a manger. After all, the baby was already eight months old by the time they decoded the astrological message they believed predicted the birth of a future king. The portent began on April 17 of 6 BC (with the heliacal rising of Jupiter that morning, followed, at noon, by its lunar occultation in the constellation Aries) and lasted until December 19 of 6 BC (when Jupiter stopped moving to the west, stood still briefly, and began moving to the east, as compared with the fixed background stars). By the earliest time the men could have arrived in Bethlehem, the baby Jesus would likely have been at least a toddler.

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What about the birth of Jesus? As per the Holy Bible, Mother Mary was still Virgin when she was pregnant of Jesus Christ, after the Archangel Gabriel came to her and spread a message to Her regarding the birth of the Lord. The word Virgin was always interpreted as someone who never had any sexual intercourse with anyone in the past, including one’s marital partner. However, the paragraphs here-under give a completely different version of the interpretation of the word Virgin, and describe the Mother Mary in a completely different personality, as someone who doesn’t need a lover nor a partner besides her, who is mentally strong and totally independent, in total contrast with the Virgin Mary known in the Christianity:

The greatest misunderstanding in the Virgin Mary’s story comes from a mistake in translation. It is common for translations to be based on former translations and the meaning behind words is often decoded by specialists in specific languages. Moreover, many translations were made of this story based on dictionaries created by specialists in Latin – which is the key to the mystery behind the word ”virgin”.

The word ”virgin” comes from the Latin ”virgo”, which means ”maiden” or a sexually inexperienced woman. This word was the basis for the stories about Mary as a woman who had never had intercourse with a man.

However, historically the term virgin meant ”one-in-herself” – a woman who didn’t need a man. It didn’t necessarily mean that she didn’t have one, however. This interpretation better represents a woman who was independent, financially free, mentally strong, and not overly dependent on her lover or partner.

In ancient times, women were sometimes believed to be very strongly attached or even mentally addicted to their first sexual partner. Therefore, to avoid this problem, an ancient society of the Mediterranean area (and also other parts of the Middle East and Persia) decided to create a custom which became a part of religious ceremonies.

It was once common for women in these locations to go to the temples of Ishtar or Aphrodite, for example, to have sexual intercourse with the priest. They could never meet again, but this act, which was seemingly approved of by the goddess of the temple, allowed the woman to avoid becoming too attached to her lover. The visit in the temple was usually a suggestion given by her family and it was not seen as a betrayal or scandal.

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Another article stipulates another coincidence with the Winter Solstice, alike the case of the Star, assimilating Jesus Christ to the pagan Green Man. Who was that famous Green Man? Here is the answer below from that article about the Pagan myth of the Green Man:

The legend of the Goddess and Green Man then skips to the Vernal Equinox, when the Green Man is ready to finally emerge from the womb of his mother. This is the time when the “male” light equals the “female” darkness, and their male-female polarity fully unites to produce a fresh infusion of life force to cover and fertilize the land. The fetal body of the Green Man is now ready to push out of the womb of his mother Earth in the form of the new tender sprouts of spring. Soon, his annual resurrection will be complete. This will occur on or around the same day as our Easter, a modern holiday associated with the much more recent resurrection of another Son of a virgin. 

The legend of the Green Man then covers the hot summer months, when the Son rapidly matures as the rapidly maturing vegetative growth of nature. He matures so fast, in fact, that the Green Man not only becomes One with his Father in Heaven, but he even mates with and inseminates his own mother. Their co-habitation produces a second infusion of the fructifying life force on Earth and manifests as a second proliferation of vegetation and accompanying harvest. Ultimately, this event would serve to hasten the Green Man’s demise, and soon he would die again with the decaying vegetation and the falling of leaves of autumn. The cause of his death? The sacerdotal interpreters of his legend would later assert that it occurred because of the sins of humanity. It was believed through original sin humanity had given up not only its own right, but the right of all life on Earth, to achieve eternal life.

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The Nativity Scene always represented Jesus as a newborn baby in a manger, surrounded by His parents Joseph and Mary, the donkey Mary was riding, a few animals and the Three Kings. But some sources mentioned that this Nativity scene wasn’t the first one. This article for example revealed the existence of a Nativity Scene which happened 3000 years ago before Jesus’s birth. By coincidence, the Nativity Scene, which was an Egyptian scene and the oldest one of the world, showed the same details that we find in the nativity scene that everyone knows, with a man and a woman surrounding a newborn baby, and a couple of animals around them. However, there were not the Three Kings. What if the nativity scene that everyone knows could have been inspired from that one from Egypt to represent Jesus’s birth? And another coincidence is that after Jesus was born, Joseph and Mary had to seek refuge in Egypt since the King Herod menaced to kill all male children under age of 2 since one of them would be the new Messiah at his place. Is there a link between those two nativities? In that thesis, here is the conclusion formulated by the author regarding the possible link between the Egyptian and Christian nativity scenes, which is worth to be considered:

To ignore in the analysis of the ultimate “King of Kings” these important Egyptian divine-birth scenes – which feature prominently in the human psyche of the time vis-à-vis important rulers – ranks as an egregious error. As are numerous other aspects of Egyptian religion and culture relevant to the study of Christian origins, the Egyptian birth scenes are highly germane to the study of the Christian nativity. The Egyptian religion remained a huge force to be reckoned with by the time of the Christian effort, and it simply would not have been ignored – indeed, it was not.

Prior to the creation of the gospels, the Egyptian religion had long spread far beyond the confines of Egypt, and there were Egyptian tutors at Rome, teaching the religion to emperors during the first century, along with shrines to Egyptian gods in as farflung places as Macedonia and Great Britain. Isis was hugely popular around the Roman Empire at the time, but long previously there had been in Israel Egyptian forces who left vestiges of their worship over the centuries. In a thorough analysis, we need to factor in all of this Egyptian influence and the proximity of this massively impressive culture to the area of the gospel tale.

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Another character who should not be ignored either, the character of Joseph. This article simply describes Joseph as Mary’s husband but the description of his character in that extract is very interesting:

If a type is to be sought in the character of Joseph, it is that of a simple, honest, hard-working, God-fearing man, who was possessed of large sympathies and a warm heart. Strict in the observance of Jewish law and custom, he was yet ready when occasion arose to make these subservient to the greater law of the Spirit. Too practical to possess any deep insight into the Divine mysteries or eternal significance of events which came within his knowledge (compare Luke 2:50), he was quick to make answer to what he perceived to be the direct call of God (compare Matthew 1:24). Originally a “just man” (the King James Version), the natural clemency within his heart prevailed over mere justice, and by the promptings of the Holy Spirit that clemency was transferred into a strong and enduring love (compare Matthew 1:24). Joseph is known to us only as a dim figure in the background of the Gospel narratives, yet his whole-hearted reconciliation to Mary, even in the face of possible slanderings by his neighbors, his complete self-sacrifice, when he left all and fled into Egypt to save the infant Jesus, are indicative that he was not unworthy to fulfill the great trust which was imposed upon him by the Eternal Father.

This character should not be confused with another Joseph featuring in the Old Testament, and who is known for his coat of many colors. By coincidence though, we find in his story another link with Egypt, since in this synopsis, Joseph is described as Jacob’s son and was the only good son of Jacob whereas all his other brothers were rogues. They wanted to get rid of Joseph since he was loyal to their father and always informed his father when his brothers were misbehaving. Joseph was then sent as a slave to Egypt and though being a hardworking and honest person at the service of the Pharaoh, the Pharaoh’s wife fell for Joseph and attracted him, which made the Pharaoh angry and sent Joseph to prison. While in prison, he was having some strange dreams about famine which would ruin Egypt for seven years, since he had seven dreams. Those dreams he had came from the power of his technicolor coat, which had some magical powers, and the Pharaoh decided to give Joseph a second chance thanks to his dream interpretations and to nominate him as a government worker, with the responsibility of storing food for the hard times. The coincidence is that, as well as that Joseph had some strange dreams about famine in Egypt during his exile there, Joseph as husband of Mary also had dreams through archangel Gabriel announcing the birth of the Savior. The second coincidence was that Joseph husband of Mary had to seek refuge in Egypt with Mary during King Herod’s menace of killing all those children under 2, and that they had to wait for King Herod’s death before bringing back Jesus to Israel.

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Here is another detail which should not be forgotten: the fact that Joseph and Mary had no place to stay to deliver the baby. Some interpretations mentioned that everyone rejected them and refused to give them hospitality. However, there is an article which denies that fact and which mentions instead that all homes were too busy to welcome them: To be “turned away” is not really the same as being “rejected.” The inns were full. There wasn’t a value judgment involved on the part of the innkeepers; they simply had no room. I think Luke adds this detail to emphasize the deceptively lowly birth of Jesus. Metaphysically, it suggests that we can’t expect the world around us to acknowledge the birth of Christ awareness in us. In a world busy with its own priorities, a spiritual birth may seem insignificant. But we know how important it is. I’m sure Mary and Joseph felt no sense of rejection or negative judgment. They were grateful and appreciative for the healthy birth. And, as is always the case when we are One with the divine, it happened at the perfect time and place. This explanation is worth being the subject of another debate regarding the difference between to be turned away and to be rejected, and which may be the subject of another blog post later.

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Finally, regarding those three Magi who came to know about Christ’s birth by following the star, there are not really some concrete explanations which could justify their knowledge about Jesus’s birth. But the article here shows us a very good lesson about those Wise Men. Here is an extract which is worth to be explained about them:

With these prophesies now fulfilled, it is easy for us to look back and understand the Scripture that revealed Jesus’ time and place of birth.  However, we know that hindsight is always clearer than foresight, so it causes us to wonder how the Wise Men/Magi could have understood the prophecies. 

The Bible does not explicitly tell us, but it is clear that the wise men did understand them well enough to know to follow “His star” and to believe that this Child was the promised King of the Jews (the Promised Messiah).  Perhaps Daniel had opened the Scriptures to the magi of his time.  Perhaps through the Scriptures and Daniel’s testimony, these men came to fear the Lord and we know that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge” (Prov 1:7) and “the beginning of wisdom” (Prov 9:10).  This “fear” is a reverence, respect, and trust of the Lord and His revealed will.

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The conclusion of that article is also worth to be considered and meditated about: The Christmas lesson that we can learn from the Wise Men/Magi is that we, too, must trust in what God has said in His Word.  He gives us wisdom, just as He gave it to the Magi.  The Magi were Wise Men who believed God and His Word and acted accordingly.  Christmas is a wonderful time to reflect on the greatest gift God gave to mankind when He sent His son into the world.  It is a great time to examine our hearts and ask ourselves if we are wise men?  Before the Christmas celebration, I remember I shared a Christmas greeting to a friend of mine, who is at the Head of a local NGO in my country, and who very often organizes some charity activities. Among them, they regularly organize distribution of clothes to the poor, and when I wished him Merry Christmas, I assimilated the act of kindness and generosity of his NGO members to the one of the Three Wise Men towards Jesus, since thanks to their generosity, Jesus became a Master for the Universe, and that regarding that NGO, through their same generosity towards the poor, they can rise today a next Messiah for our country, why not?

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In conclusion, even though there are links of those Nativity scenes connected with Paganism and Ancient Egypt, it’s a proof that everything connects, and the sole message behind those connections is that regardless to the times, culture, religion or era, at any time a Messiah can take birth and be an inspiration for the world, thanks to the sharing and caring he or she will be given by some generous people of different walks of life. My friend posted something very interesting on his social platforms: Happy Birthday Atal Bihari Vajpayee, Muhammad Ali Jinnah, Isaac Newton and of course, Jesus. Merry Christmas. I’m thankful to my friend for having posted that on his wall. Everyone knows about Jesus, but what about those other people? Atal Bihari Vajpayee, who is India’s Former Prime Minister and who turned 93 years old this year, was known for having brought 5 major changes in India, which include the construction of roads connecting Chennai, Kolkata, Delhi and Mumbai and known as the Golden Quadrilateral, for the Reining of the Fiscal profligacy, the Telecom revolution, the Sharva Shiksha Abhiyan which was a social scheme to promote education for non scholarised children and the privatisation of some sectors. Muhammad Ali Jinnah was the founder of Pakistan and this article describes his greatest achievement of having found the nation of Pakistan: The political insight and wisdom that the Quaid demonstrated in achieving a homeland on the argument of Muslims being a separate nation has yet to be fully grasped. In this regard, I have yet to come across a more comprehensive tribute to the Quaid’s visionary leadership than what renowned historian Stanley Wolpert wrote in his famous book ‘Jinnah of Pakistan’: “Few individuals significantly alter the course of history. Fewer still modify the map of the world. Hardly anyone can be credited with creating a nation-state. Mohammad Ali Jinnah did all three.” Sir Isaac Newton was a key figure into the Scientific Revolution, which is described in Wikipedia as “a concept used by historians to describe the emergence of modern science during the early modern period, when developments in mathematicsphysicsastronomybiology (including human anatomy) and chemistry transformed the views of society about nature.” Sir Isaac Newton was especially known for his law of gravitation stating that “a particle attracts every other particle in the universe using a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between their centers.” What is very interesting is that those four people were born on 25th December, though some statements still cannot retrace if Jesus Christ was exactly born on the 25th December, but what those four people have in common is that they are all four strong change makers and sources of inspiration for the world according to their respective achievements, all of them coming from different eras of time. Who knows if they are incarnations of each other as well? Unfortunately no sources stipulate about that possibility, but one thing is sure, they made of the 25th December a very special day for the world as true visionaries of our humanity.

Here are the true reasons why I chose to write under a pseudonym instead of my real name

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I never thought about having the idea of writing that blog post today, but I would like to thank someone very special for having given me so many inspiration a couple of days earlier to write it, with a very particular trait though: This person is a HATER, the second one whom I am facing since my LinkedIn profile Ekasringa Avatar exists, since the first one was a compatriot of mine, an arrogant woman (she doesn’t even deserve I call her a lady!) who thought that because she is living overseas, she can do whatever she wants and auto-proclaim herself for someone she isn’t in her own country; this is one of the kind of people that I truly hate and I didn’t hesitate, at a moment, to humiliate her publicly on LinkedIn before blocking her forever (yes, I can be very infernal and cruel when my limit is reached and that I cannot bear it anymore with that kind of people!). Unfortunately, I don’t have the full history of that conversation with my second hater, since I deleted it, but I regret I didn’t think about restoring it or archiving it. This person doesn’t know me at all and was just someone who visited my profile. Usually, each time that I have a new visitor visiting my LinkedIn profile, I receive a notification, and I invite him or her to be part of my network, even though there is no direct interaction with the person. I admit that I still am part of those people who judge on quantity instead of quality of the people whom I connect with, even though I passed through so many experiences which knocked me down about people, but I don’t care, since my profile is an open door to anyone of all sorts of walks of life, and not only writers, editors, translators nor anyone who would be part of the literary world I belong to, and who would like to know more about me. For the moment, apart that compatriot of mine who came to know whom she would have affair with after the way I put her back at her place on that day, I didn’t have any major problems with anyone, but I haven’t been at all prepared to that kind of sarcasm from a newly added contact. Even though I don’t have the history of the “conversation” we had (if we can call that a conversation indeed!), here is an extract of the way he sent me the message, exactly as it appears in my gmail:

Thanks for the invitation Ekasringa, good to be connected (please be informed that your real identity is hidden which is of course a problem, and, you have a Black Nobility black horse – maybe the… see more

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First of all, that person is stipulating that my real identity is hidden and that it’s a problem according to him. I remember that a few people asked me why I don’t post my own profile picture and why I don’t put my real name, and instead a pseudonym. Frankly speaking, I don’t see at all what’s wrong with it, nor how I am disturbing all those people because I chose to hide my true identity and put a pseudonym. I am not the only one who chose to do this, and there are so many of my contacts who appear also under a pseudonym, and that never disturbed me at all. There are also so many singers and actors who chose to launch their career under a pseudonym instead of their true name, so why wouldn’t I have that same right too as an aspiring author? I haven’t created that LinkedIn profile in the aim of receiving opportunities for my career or to find a job, but only to allow to the maximum people who would visit my profile sooner or later a clue of my own personality and of all my interests which you will all retrieve through all the posts that I like, share, comment and publish on my LinkedIn, and also through all the articles I write and publish on WordPress and in all my social platforms. I also am on Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr and Google+, and the stuffs that I share on my other social platforms already should give to my visitors and followers a clue of my personality and of several things on which I am interested. As an aspiring writer, it’s my duty to have a career based on an open mind, which would allow me to discover the world in a new way which is proper to me and which may totally or partially different from the way other people see it, since I don’t want to be a blind follower for anyone. The reason also why I chose to launch my career under a pseudonym instead of my own name is a choice that I personally made for myself, since I would like my pseudonym to be a brand one day, not only for the work that I am already doing on my blog, but also a brand for other projects that I wish one day I will be able to do, and which are childhood dreams I would like to concrete after so many years of incertitude with myself, since at 37 years old I decided to make of that age, as well of year 2017, a year of challenge for me, where I would like to do things I could never do before, and not allow my own sacrifices and responsibilities as a spouse, housewife and mother banning me from the dreams I want to create as long as I will be alive. In another blog post, I will explain in more details which of those dreams I would like to concrete in addition to all the work dedicated to that blog. Another reason explaining why I chose a pseudonym is that, as a spouse and a mother, through all my past experiences, I have been taught a very tough life lesson that I need to apply if I really want things to be balanced: I need to keep my real identity only for all the things that I do out of what I represent as Ekasringa Avatar, and which is the series of daily chores and routine of my day-to-day life as a mother, a spouse, a daughter-in-law, a neighbor in my locality, a simple citizen in my country and a simple expatriate in the country I live in. I don’t want to become a fame, since I want to lead an ordinary life like everyone, with only the hope to earn money through my blog and through my projects as Ekasringa Avatar, not to become a millionaire, not either to help my husband in the expenses for the household, nor for our child’s education, but simply to have my freedom and my dignity as a woman. My mother-in-law’s words always sound loud in my mind, since she always wanted me to work from home to avoid my husband spending money for me too, since life in general is becoming more expensive and that I can be completely independent, and at the same time remove a burden from my husband’s shoulders, since he is the only bread holder of the family. My pseudonym Ekasringa Avatar, I keep it only for my social platforms on the net and for my blog, even though all the stuffs I shared on my LinkedIn profile regarding my qualifications and professional experiences are real and the dates also are real. I also did a few researches regarding some writers who wrote under pen names and pseudonyms which were different from their true identity. In this article for example, some writers used pen names for different reasons linked with family and from society. Voltaire for example, whose real name is Francois-Marie Arouet, chose the nickname Voltaire to move away from his past, from his family and since some of his writings were against the government. This article also stipulates six good reasons why some writers write under a different pen name, and that extract suits my reasons mostly:

Your Real Name

Imagine your real name is Stephen King, Nora Roberts, or Ron Hubbard. Anyone picking up a book that you write is going to have a lot of certain expectations about the words inside. You know you’re not the next Stephen King, but if reading his books has sparked an interest in horror novels, will have to publish under another name to be taken seriously. Other names are so common that it’s hard to tell them apart. Her name is John Doe, Jim Smith, Sue Jones, or one of hundreds of other similar names, pen name may be the only way you can set yourself above the crowd. When you publish a book, you wanted to be memorable. If your name fades into the background, it will be hard for readers to remember you the next time they look for a book.

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Now let’s come on the fact that I have put a black horse as a profile picture. First of all, let me tell that Mister Hater that it’s not a HORSE but a UNICORN which is represented as a profile picture. That Unicorn was a temporary tattoo that I made on my hand one day while I was at the shopping mall with my family, but which unfortunately didn’t last long on my skin since it was removed with water and soap a couple of hours later while I was under the shower. But I am very happy I could keep a souvenir of that tattoo through that picture. What makes me laughing also is when he said that it was the Black Nobility black horse. Curious, since I never thought about it and since for me, the Horse always represented something positive, since as a Hindu, I worship Lord Vishnu who is the conservator and the second God of the Hindu Trilogy after Brahma the Creator and before Shiva the Destroyer. In Hinduism, some of the Gods also appear in different avatars, and one of the avatars of Lord Vishnu is the Horse Head God Hayagriva, whose I wrote more details about Him in that blog post. For me, regardless to the color of the horse, however it may be of an immaculate white like Pegasus as well as pure Ebony like the horse Black Beauty like in the movie dated 1994 having the same name, a horse is a horse and still represents the conquering of the man. Regarding the Black Nobility, that was TOTALLY NEWS for me to hear such an expression, and as I am curious, I did some researches and found an article for which the first sentence completely shocked me, mentioning that, I quote, “These people earned the title of “Black” nobility from their ruthless lack of scruple. They employed murder, rape, kidnapping, assassination, robbery, and all manner of deceit on a grand scale, brooking no opposition to attaining their objectives. These all have immense wealth. And money is power.” I cannot help myself smiling, because there again, that hater, whom I never heard about before and innocently added on my list of contacts since I noticed he visited my profile, really lost his head and accused me of something which is completely wrong and which is completely news for me since I never heard about the Black Nobility before. Then, he assimilated the Black Horse as the symbol of the Black Nobility. According to my researches, I saw that extract from an ebook entitled “They didn’t Listen, they didn’t Know How” from Olwen Davies where the Black Horse was effectively described as the symbol of the Black Nobility since it represented the symbol of Banking called the Lloyd’s Black Horse, and I saw that the author partly assimilated that symbol as well with the Freemasonry. But since I am not familiar with the world of banking, I didn’t get along for a long time on those details, but another article interested me more, the symbol of the black horse being the symbol of “Mystery, death, night, secret, messenger of esoteric knowledge” for which I linked that article mostly linked with Hinduism, since it’s mostly linked with my religion. The last part of the black horse being the messenger of the esoteric knowledge interested me a lot and I admit that it’s applicable to me as well. I have had so many interesting discussions about esoteric knowledge with a British French friend of mine on a lot of mysteries and secrets which are still being unfolded and which concern the concept of our universe and spirituality, and which I may write about very soon.

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But here, even though I opened a bracket about the Black Nobility and the Black Horse, I would like to tell to that imbecile that those explanations have absolutely NO LINK with me and that he was completely out of subject. He should have done some researches about my name before insulting me, and if he did his researches properly, even though most of his researches will stipulate that it’s the name of an equestrian circus team from Quebec in Canada, he would also have seen the ancient scriptures from the Indus Valley and do more researches about the legend of the sage Rishyasringa, who was born with a horn on the forehead. But instead, that imbecile had a first impression which had nothing to do with my image nor with what I want to share to my followers through all the things that I do and that I write as Ekasringa Avatar. Nonetheless, I have shelled a few extracts on Google regarding the meaning of the Black Unicorn featuring as my cover picture, and I have discovered a lot of interesting things where I retrieved myself:

“The Black Unicorn is a collection of poems by a woman who, Adrienne Rich writes, “for the complexity of her vision, for her moral courage and the catalytic passion of her language, has already become, for many, an indispensable poet.” (Source: The Black Unicorn | W. W. Norton & Company)

“The way that I understand it, unicorns symbolize the spirit of purity, innocence, and childhood. Almost every traditional legend containing the unicorn states that only a young pure female could attract a unicorn to become visible and be of this reality.” (Source: The Meaning of Unicorns)

“Unicorns are unique, mystical, peaceful, and serene animals. Some unicorn tattoos show a cross between a unicorn and a Pegasus (winged horse). At its core, the symbolism of a unicorn tattoo is a message of innocence, purity of heart, kindness, healing, perfection, and peace.” (Source: Fantasy Tattoo Symbolism | Underground Ink CNY)

“The black unicorn is associated with power to overcome all the barriers that you meet in your way of perfect life. You are riding on, walking or flying with an unicorn in the dream – Means that you are tired because of the worries or hard work, or painful experiences.” (Source: Unicorn dream meaning – Dreams Nest)

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Another blog post will also be written soon, since I discovered an article on the Black Unicorn Apparition, since it made me thinking especially about the Gods’ and Saints’ skin color, some as dark skinned and some as fair skinned.

I apologize for having been bulky in that blog post, but I am very happy I could write all those lines and do all those researches, and I would like from the bottom of my heart, to thank that new frenemy of mine to have allowed me to write that blog post, though he blocked me from his list after I have put him back at his place for his sarcasm against me. I wish though I had kept that conversation to share it with you, but I think the first words of his message were more than enough to prove his dumbness and that he was completely out of subject, though he awoke my curiosity as usual 🙂

Neat people vs Messy people: The complicated alchemy

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I am writing this blog post with rage and frustration, to be honest with you, and I apologize in advance regarding my state of mind. But at the same time, I am thankful to my husband, who gave me inspiration without wanting it, to write that blog post. A couple of minutes before I started writing it, I was finishing to tidy the kitchen and to iron my husband’s clothes before applying cream on my feet and hands, sitting on the bed in the bedroom next door and to start typing my text. But before that, a couple of minutes ago, a fight occurred between me and my husband, because my husband reproached me of being so messy in the house. And before that, nothing, absolutely nothing, happened and we had a good dinner and a very nice evening. But when I tidied some clean glasses on a platter, I put the platter on a cupboard near the kitchen, where there were some other stuffs which belonged to my son, and those stuffs were a couple of toys and some special serum juices that we bought from hospital to re-hydrate my son in case he would suffer from vomiting and high fever. In an unexpected moment, my son wanted to share the bottles with us, since there were three bottles. But without paying attention, my son took the bottles at such a speed that he missed hitting the glasses to be broken afterwards, and this stressed and frightened my husband a lot. But he was so stressed about that, even though the incident didn’t happen, thanks to God, that he started reacting very badly and seeing mess everywhere in the house! Yes, I admit it, I am very messy, extremely messy, though I had to work hard on it and make huge efforts to improve myself on that point, since I am extremely messy since I was a child, but at that moment, my husband really exaggerated and his reactions really pricked me! At a moment I was so pissed off that I told him frankly that I am messy and that it’s within my nature, since I am allergic and suffocate in houses which are too neat and too tidy. I have always been like that and will always be like that, as I have the artistic and literary spirit within me, which is not at all the case for my husband, who is in the numbers all day long and who likes everything at its proper place, neat and disciplined. On those points, after 12 years of marriage, we have always been completely incompatible and we always failed into adapting in each other’s characters, and it’s always been a subject on which we always had huge fights together. But tonight, he said something which completely hurt me to the core: The fact that I am messy and don’t like things to be tidied means that I am attracted to negativity instead of positiveness! I was so hurt hearing such a point that for long minutes, I sat down at my desk office where I was used to write before, and I was so shocked that I was unable to cry. And believe me, I really wanted to cry hard! Is that so true that I feed negativity by being messy?

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I remember that when I was still single, my bedroom was a real mess as well and that I was completely careless about keeping it tidy! My mother always kept everything clean and neat, and she always kept on mistreating me when my bedroom was a mess, and even didn’t hesitate to interfere in my room so many times to tidy my stuffs, and this WITHOUT my permission, since she was always a manipulative and sociopath person! Based on the experience I had with my mother, I may tell you frankly today that I feel a deep hatred for people who love being too neat and tidy, because according to me, those people have a lot of things to hide, are superficial and are hypocrite. I had that problem two times with two landlords while I was living overseas with my family. Both landlords I had were real grouches who wanted everything to be nickel and extremely neat and who did a real scandal for each little detail they noticed, as they were both maniac and obsessed with money. The way they were doing with their houses, personally I interpreted that purely as a shape of sickness, since both of those landlords were childless women who were obsessed with money and luxury. While we were in Mauritius, we had the same problem with an uncle and an aunt of my husband’s who were also childless and who didn’t hesitate to denigrate us with my in-laws behind our back and face to face, without wondering how we were struggling with the maids at home, all the efforts we tried our best to do to keep their house clean, the time we had to spend together with our son and the struggles I had to bear during my pregnancy. They acted in such an inhuman way that we had to keep our distance from them, since they hurt us very deeply and deceived us. I also have another relative like that, another childless person who is also married and who has the same problem as well. Frankly speaking I don’t understand how childless people could react like that and be so maniac! Is that a sign for them to calm down their frustrations for not having been able to infant? Is that a sign of pure mental illness in them? Even my mother has exactly the same problem and that made that so many maids were sacked or resigned from her place because of her maniac manners. Among my in-laws, it’s exactly the same problem. I know that they like when everything is clean and neat, but frankly speaking, it’s for me a total nonsense and complex that they all developed, and for them also a sort of illness!

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In Mauritius, such people are called maniac people. I asked myself then: What is a maniac person? I tried to google some images of maniac, and when I saw those frightening faces of bloody psychopaths, I was so afraid that I moved away from that page! I couldn’t believe that maniac could be so extreme! The Wikipedia defines Mania, also known as Manic Syndrome, as, I quote, “a state of abnormally elevated arousal, affect, and energy level, or “a state of heightened overall activation with enhanced affective expression together with lability of affect.”[1] Although mania is often conceived as a “mirror image” to depression, the heightened mood can be either euphoric or irritable; indeed, as the mania intensifies, irritability can be more pronounced and result in violence, or anxiety.” When I read that definition, I retrieve exactly those landlords, my husband’s relatives, my mother, my own childless relative and my in-laws, and they all have something in common: Frustration about something which scarred their souls to the core. In the case of my in-laws, it’s the fact that they faced poverty at its extreme during their youth and were so many times mocked and bullied by society. In the case of all those childless people I mentioned, it’s the fact they couldn’t infant which made them suffering, and much more in the case of my relative, who was, in addition to all that, a victim of child abuse during her teenage years. In the case of my mother, she has something to reproach to herself, since she built her relationship and marriage with my father in an illegitimate way and that our links are now broken since I have been myself a victim of emotional and psychological abuse because of her.

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But contrary to my niece and to my husband’s relatives, who faced serious circumstances with their family history which brought them to infertility and who ended maniac, for me it’s the total contrary which happened, and which is that I turned into being a real messy person. One of the factors where I could explain my messy manners is linked with the ADHD Syndrome I am actually suffering from because of all the traumas I passed in my childhood and for which I am still not completely recovered. The second factor, I may admit it, is a sign of dependence too. I remember I read a book from psychologist Pia Mellody on dependence, and there was an extract in that book where I recognized myself: When a person, during childhood, faced extreme abusive severeness from his or her parents, he or she won’t want to make the children experimenting the same thing at home, and will tend to do all the contrary. Those people think that by acting like that, they are recovered from the scars of their past, but in reality, without realizing it, this is a sign of dependence, a sign of fear that they have in them to live again the same experience as parents and no more as children. In my case, this is exactly what I am experimenting, even though I had to make a lot of efforts when it comes on cleanliness and tidiness because of my in-laws. Each time that my husband tells me that I am messy and that I am feeding negativity, I am scared of two things.

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The first thing I am scared about is to repeat exactly the same abusive manias from my mother, which makes that I am detaching completely from them by being messy. The second thing though concerns a point of my personality, which is the artistic and literary one. I remember someone told me, a couple of years ago, that people who tend to be messy are sincere, creative and intelligent, whereas people who live in neat houses are superficial. And frankly speaking, neat and tidy houses always frightened me, whereas messy houses were heart-warming to me. I have a neighbor in my actual locality who is of same age group as me and the happy mother of 2 beautiful children, aged 4 years old and 18 months. I went to her place so many times, and it was really untidy and messy everywhere, in the kitchen, in the living room, even in the garden. But despite the big mess in her house, I always felt at home at her place. For me it was a really heart-warming atmosphere with the presence of so many pictures, handicrafts made by her children, books, toys, mats, etc, and most of all the pureness and innocence of those two little cuties. For me, such houses are signs of sincerity and pureness of hearts, because they have the warmth of a home, since home is where the heart is, and as the concept of home is something that you feel inside yourself whereas the concept of the house is mostly something material. To be honest, as my husband and I ourselves have our own house, even though it belonged to us, we always felt like strangers in our own place, since we were always controlled by my in-laws who never respected our privacy and who were always on our back to tell us what to do or not, and since it was a relative who was in charge of the housekeeping and garden maintenance during our absence from Mauritius. And each time we went to our house and that we forgot to do something silly such as switching off a light or not closing the hose tap properly, that relative immediately made a scandal as if the house belonged to him! As I told to a friend of ours once, what we have finally is just a house, but we don’t have a home! Even wherever I was living overseas, it was exactly the same problem, and even now I still feel torn between the fact of living in a house and the fact of living in a home, since my husband and I have different concepts of house and home.

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Previously, I mentioned that the messy part of me comes from my artistic and literary personality, and by coincidence, I found an interesting article regarding a mother who struggled about her daughter always keeping her bedroom messy. That mother tried hard to convince her daughter to keep her bedroom tidy and neat, but it never worked with her daughter. The mother then consulted a clinical psychologist, who opened up her eyes regarding the mess in her daughter’s bedroom, by asking to the mother if her daughter is expressive, laughs, have friends, sings, etc, and all the answers were affirmative. Then, the psychologist told the mother something that made a tilt in my head, I quote:

“She’s exhausted,” Mogel said. “She’s near compulsive about her work and reading her teachers’ minds and her coaches’ minds and she holds herself to the highest of standards. Her room is where she lets go. The one place she lets herself be unfettered and relaxed.”

All true.

“The reason I ask about her friendships and her mood and what her teachers say is because, absolutely, a room can be a sign of a child’s low mood,” Mogel said. “But when I’m sizing up a family, I want the child’s room to be the worst. I’m a little nervous when a room is extremely neat because it can indicate that the child doesn’t have any private space to call her own.”

This was exactly unfortunately the kind of failure I have been passing through during all the years I was living at my parents’ place, since my maniac mother always wanted my room to be clean and neat all the time and kept on always criticizing me when I kept my room messy. The worst was that she kept on interfering too often and without my permission in all my personal matters at such a point that I have been completely deprived from my privacy while being a teenager, since my mother was overprotective, manipulative and always practicing freak control on me. Even now as a married person with one child, I still struggle to find out that part of privacy I am desperately looking for, since I have a true passion for writing, but must always be on my guards so that before my husband comes home, the housekeeping is made, the food is ready, our son already finished his dinner and evening shower, and I also have my own evening shower, even though I haven’t yet had dinner. And before bedtime, the kitchen must always be neat and clean, and I need to make sure that my husband and my child have their clothes washed and iron for work and for school. As a traditional Mauritian wife, it’s a routine to which I had to adapt, but deep inside, it’s very hard and for so many months I have been deprived from my freedom of writing since I was extremely stressed about all the responsibilities waiting for me, not taking the responsibilities on myself as a heavy chore, but rather taking those responsibilities as a burden because of the law of patriarchy that exists within traditional Hindu families such as the one my husband comes from. But the fact that my in-laws live in Mauritius and that we live overseas is a great relief for us, since we experimented the life in Mauritius with them always turning around us, and it was extremely painful. I truly wanted to spend some hours of the morning writing, but I was so stressed that I was unable to express my creativity and instead got distracted with other useless things for wasting my time as a sort of decompression in front of all the pressure in front of me. Such fears accumulated due to the absence of privacy in my own bedroom during my teenage and young adulthood years, and the fact that I have to abide to my husband’s and in-laws’ exigences regarding the cleaning of a house have represented a very huge handicap into my passion and making that blog dormant for months and months.

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The quote that helped me shaking my booty 🙂

But when I recently turned 37 years old, there was a quote I inserted in my new page and which I mentioned above, and that quote then gave me the courage to say STOP. That STOP means STOP to that silly handicap caused by my past trauma with my maniac mother for my messy bedroom, and STOP to the silly fears caused by my fear that my husband only sees mess instead of the other efforts I made in return in other chores. So I decided to shake my booty once for all and restart writing, since it was the only thing I could do as a stress-reliever, a positiveness bringer, a therapy and a way of overcoming a hard day at home with my responsibilities before experiencing a peaceful sleep at night, until it is time for me to wake up and experiment a brand new day. But the fact that I restart writing also helps me much better putting everything in order in my ideas and in my brain, and motivates me again for doing better in my chores and responsibilities with more positiveness for better results. I am feeling blessed that I turned 37 years old and that quote made on me the effect of a real electroshock to affirm myself without neglecting my responsibilities. I keep on repeating to my husband now with more confidence and less fear that I need to write before sleeping, because it’s vital for me and it’s my dream laying in that blog I created. I don’t want to neglect my duties, but I don’t want either to sacrifice my dreams nor at the same time the only “Me” Time I can allow to myself and where I am in total intimacy with myself thanks to my writing. I don’t want to be as neat as my husband, otherwise it wouldn’t be me. I am ready to make an effort and an improvement since I am a devoted housewife and mother and that I need to teach the good example myself to my son, but I also want to have the right to be myself, and only writing can build golden mean between the neat person I need to be because of my family and the messy person I would like to remain since I adopted that trait as a part of my artistic and literary personality, though the trauma of the past with my mother still remains a reason behind it.

Attitude and Politics in Mauritius

I am writing this blog post, further to a recent experience that I have had during the week. The experience was disagreeable, and it took me a lot of time to accept and to understand the why and how behind what happened to me.

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A couple of days ago, I had an argument with a friend of mine, further to a series of useless disagreements, for which I was the only culprit. I had a lot of difficulties at first to accept whatever my friend proposed to me, and to be honest, I didn’t act positively. Instead of taking my time to accept what my friend recommended me, I was boiling deep inside myself, since I had the impression to have been violated in my own ideas, whereas in reality my friend had some reasons for disagreeing with me. Also, instead of reacting positively and constructively as per my friend’s choices, I let the negative attitude enveloping me, and I reacted by writing an email with a lot of rubbish and nonsense arguments where I explained to my friend why I disagreed with him and why I wanted to remain on my own position.

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My friend read my email and was very unhappy about what I wrote. He frankly told me that he didn’t appreciate my email at all and warned me that if I keep on having a negative attitude, I will retrieve myself with a lot of doors closed and people getting away from me. This is unfortunately the kind of reproach that I keep on having all the time from my husband even in my daily life, and unfortunately the bad example that I obtained from my parents during all my childhood. We always say that example comes from the top, don’t we? I was raised in a big house, with chauffeur, maids, gardeners and almost never experienced travelling by bus, except when I started university and when I started working and having my financial independence. Moreover, my parents unfortunately were always capricious, however it would be my mother or my father. They were proud, arrogant, megalomaniac and were sore losers each time they were wrong, since they never wanted to accept their faults nor their mistakes and always wanted to be right all the time. They were also of bad faith when they refused to face the reality of life or anything unexpected. Unfortunately, not only they were like that, but they also brought me up to become like that. That was why I never had friends at school and repulsing a lot of people around me for years, since I was adopting a very bad attitude wherever I was going, and even brought a lot of bad luck around me because of that bad attitude.

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Even after marriage, unfortunately I kept on having that bad attitude, and it shut so many doors around me, starting with society and opportunities to have a social life and a good career. I always tended to be negative and to put all the wrongs on other people when they disagreed with me or were against me. I never understood how my husband, who was much more mature than me and wiser than me, could remain silent and indifferent when there were some people barking against him, however it could be at work, in society, in his family background or anywhere else. For my part, I admit I am still the one who talks louder, who barks louder than my adversary, who always wants to be right and who always fights with a lot of sound instead of being a silent warrior. I admit that when it comes on attitude, I still need a lot to learn about it and to work extremely hard when it comes on having a good attitude.

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However, just after my friend put me back in the right place, it was as if I received an electroshock on me, and I suddenly realized that I was completely wrong and that I have talked a lot of rubbish for nothing, and that all that mess could have been avoided if, instead of barking my frustration in that email, I either asked my friend questions if I doubted about something I don’t understand, or take more time to calm down and to find out the answers to the unasked questions that were floating in my mind regarding my friend’s opinion. Only God knows the numerous times that I approached my friend, either by email or on WhatsApp to apologize, to recognize the mistake of my words and especially of my thoughts and to agree with what he proposed to me. I am feeling very bad that I realized my mistake unfortunately too late and that I let the shot going. Unfortunately, this is in that kind of school that I have been raised because of my parents and I passively repeated the same bad attitude in my new family each time that I disagree with my husband especially when I am wrong! Even my young son disagrees with me and always begs me to stop creating so much havoc in the house, since he cannot stand the both of us fighting uselessly, and he is right.

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Like I mentioned as a comment of a video published by a local celebrity of my country, there is no age to be a good leader. These were only words, but unfortunately I was unable to put those same words in practice when it came about my own life. When I think about the way I was raised by my parents, I came on a conclusion that is unfortunately true: Example doesn’t always come from the top, sometimes it should also come from the bottom. The top represents our elders and all the ones who are still governing the country, whereas the bottom represents the Mauritian youth of today and of tomorrow. I still remember a quote that someone wrote on all his social platforms where he mentioned “Behave yourselves, Politicians. The Youth are watching”. If the governance is good, definitely the society will be good, but if the governance is bad, the society will be bad. There will be so many blind followers who will passively have the same negative attitude as their governors, and very few will have the courage and the guts to rebel and show their rights to fight against the governors’ mistakes, under pain of masquerading as the bad ones. And if the government will act as dictators towards its people, in case one of its people dares acting against the government, instead of being considered as a hero, he or she will be the biggest villain for the government, which won’t hesitate to blacken their opponent’s bravery for naming and shaming their bad actions. All this, because those who are on the top show a very negative attitude towards their people, and also in such circumstances, their will be a few courageous souls who will have the courage to dispatch themselves from the government’s oppression on them and create their own journey to positive attitude to inspire other people.

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When I left Mauritius for a new life overseas, unfortunately I didn’t leave Mauritius with a positive image of the country. My husband and I returned from Madagascar after we spent more than 4 years of expatriation there, and we have been staying back in Mauritius for more than 3 years, which gave us the time to have a child and to have our new house. However, during that period, it was incredible how the mores in Mauritius degraded so much, despite the economic boom in the country! Each time that we were opening the newspapers, there were only murders, crimes, sexual assaults, drug deals, corruption, social insecurity, poverty, etc. These were things that I never experienced before when I was still residing in Mauritius before marriage. During that period, Mauritius was a true paradise where it was so good to live and where every citizen was feeling at home. There was respect for elders, safety everywhere, family spirit, good neighborhood and socialization, good mores, economic boom, education for everyone and especially simplicity of life. But all those good things existed under a good governance, which unfortunately degraded through the years and through changes of governance, including at its head so many members with controversial historical facts, which were published in our local newspapers, and which unfortunately inspired the Mauritians, especially the young generation, to follow that sad example they were showing, or to passively remain the silent and hopeless spectators of those controversial people’s destructive and shameful actions.

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In a more private environment, out of politics, example also is shown by our elders, by our bosses in the company we work for, by our teachers who educate our children, by the religious representatives who proclaim the Holy Word as per the religion they preach, etc. If our elders are leading a bad life without good principles, how do they want their children to become good future family members and inculcate the good values to their children as soon as they will turn adults? If our teachers misbehave, abuse on the pupils and don’t teach our kids properly the good things of education, how will our children have their degrees and diplomas as their passports for university and for having either a good job or creating their own business?

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Also, does the example really come from the top? Cannot it come also from the bottom? It can come from the bottom, but what is sad is that very few people believe in the power of youth and always underestimate the youth as the ones who don’t know anything, whereas elders overestimate themselves because of their age and the experience that they had in their lives. Someone once told me that age was just a number, and that the true age doesn’t depend on the number of physical years that you have, nor on the number of experiences that life challenges you, but on the lessons that you learn from your experiences of the past, and which bring you more maturity and wisdom. More and more youngsters are already gaining into experience, especially for those who do their personal construction themselves, since they see a lot of things that our elders aren’t able to see and that people of bad faith refuse to see. So why don’t we trust our youth too? Don’t they have their words to say? Why then do we underestimate the fact that the truth comes from children’s mouths then? Do we think that because we are older than our children, we detain all the keys to knowledge?

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Based on today’s educational level, I am very happy to notice that more and more schools overseas are adopting the fact that each child is unique. For my part, I am very satisfied that my son has the privilege to be considered as a unique child according to the education he is receiving actually in his school, like it’s the case for other children. As someone also once told me, life is a celebration and not a competition. I wish one day, in Mauritius, all schools start adapting that attitude, since it’s incredible how in all government schools, in work environment and social mores, the competition spirit is so ferocious! And how other children and adults always want to copy on others just for competing and being better than them and due to pure jealousy. A friend once told me that jealousy and competition are from the minds of the fool, since unfortunately a lot of people refuse to understand that happiness doesn’t knock at everyone’s door at the same time, and doesn’t appear in front of everyone’s door in the same shape. I love a quote that a friend of mine once shared with me, saying “Happiness is like a butterfly: The more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you start thinking about other things, it comes and softly sits upon your shoulder.” And the best key to happiness is to stop teaching competition and jealousy to our children when they are born, because they never take birth with that spirit, and shouldn’t let society influencing them to cultivate those two happiness and prosperity killers.

ADHD… My daily struggle… My reason of fighting for success!

Hello everyone,

First of all I sincerely apologize for having been absent for such a long moment. I know that it’s been so many months that I haven’t written anything. And what is funny is that I didn’t lack inspiration at all. I had so many ideas, so many interesting subjects to develop and on which I had so much to write and to do researches about. I had discovered so many interesting articles through all my social platforms, through my husband’s Facebook account and through Internet research. I also had a lot of constructive conversations with some of my regular pals and relatives on which I wanted to get inspired to write things. I also found inspiration through some interesting personalities I have had the opportunity to discover via the web and via my social platforms. However, as crazy as it could sound, I haven’t written at all for months. It had nothing to do with the fact that I had a lot of responsibilities to achieve with my family, such as my son’s welfare and education, his scholarship, the time I have to spend with the house chores, cooking and with my family, the holiday plannings we had to go through during my son’s summer holidays, etc. I could very well, in a normal situation, afford all those situations perfectly and find time for myself to keep on completing my blog. But it wasn’t, and to be honest, it’s still not being the case. A couple of weeks later I came to discover that something was wrong with me and that it was time for me to reveal today the dark secret that represents a dangerous boundary to my writing skills and my capacities of using my personal skills, as well for my writing as for my daily responsibilities. And what is crazy is that I didn’t even need to look for a specialist to proceed with an assessment about my actual situation. Some online assessments were more than enough to reveal that dark secret of my personality. I hesitated a lot about revealing it publicly for a very long time. But this morning I had the courage to break the bundles and that heavy silence to reveal it once for all, because I have passed through very tough moments of mental breakdowns and even felt very depressive at times because of that. I also decided today to reveal it openly, because I came to understand that this could be an explanation to my actual situation, and I decided through my projects not to make of it anymore an excuse for letting it go, but as a challenge for myself to recover and to prove to myself and to the whole world that I am stronger than I think and that I can destroy that dark secret since I already have the necessary weapons with me to destroy it. That dark secret is that I suffer from a mental disorder, which I came to discover unfortunately very late in my life, but which started developing through my first years between the middle of my teenage years and the beginning of my adulthood years when I left secondary school, and on which I took conscience of its existence too late and only a couple of months ago: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, shortly known as ADHD.

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I downloaded an application on my mobile from Google Play, “Aware”, which contains a series of questionnaires about several types of mental disorders that medically exist. I answered to all of them, but what was crazy was that despite the results that I obtained in percentage, the explanations that I obtained through deeper researches didn’t match at all with the results I obtained, since I didn’t recognize myself in any of those mental disorders though I admit I had some symptoms of them. However, only the researches that I made on ADHD perfectly matched with my personal problem. To start, here is the first definition I obtained from that application on my mental situation: ADHD, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, is a medical condition that affects how well someone can sit still, focus and pay attention. People with ADHD have differences in the parts of their brains that control attention and activity. This means that they may have trouble focusing on some tasks and subjects.

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ADHD was and still is unfortunately the cause behind a series of so many fights that I have had with my husband because of my indiscipline behavior which is actually endangering my marital life and even the example that I am giving to our own child, who is actually suffering with Autism Spectrum Disorder. All started on a specific evening, during which I had a big fight with my husband because we came back home very late from the swimming pool, my son and me, and my husband was very angry at me for not having properly managed the time that I would let my son going to the swimming pool. I tried to keep calm and to reassure him that I was sorry and that I would be more careful next time, whereas in the contrary, I am used to scream a lot and to create a lot of havoc each time that my husband disagrees with me, whether he may be right or wrong. Instead of calming down, my husband continued again and again making moral lessons to me, all this because according to him, he noticed that all the time I repeat that I will be careful, but afterwards, I do all the contrary and I don’t manage my time properly. Another thing on which I am extremely terrified with my husband is that I don’t know whether I should tell him yes and obey, or say no and walk as per my own way. If I say yes, I very often tend to do all the contrary of what he expects from me, because I say yes either because I am afraid of his reactions, or only so that my husband would leave me alone. And if I say no, instead of appreciating my honesty, my husband keeps on being angry after me, and because of that, I don’t know even what to do and I am feeling completely lost. This is what I told him on that famous evening, but he refused to understand, and at a moment, fearing a violent reaction from me again, he went out with our son until things would calm down, leaving me alone with my own thoughts.

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I was having dinner, but my mind was completely absent though I was physically there. I could hear a soft voice talking to me in my mind. That gentle voice sounded like a female voice, which was as kind, soft and sweet as an angel’s voice. This voice was reassuring me that, compared to 12 years ago when I just got married, I have made a lot of progresses in life, since I am now able to manage the household, the house chores, my involvement into my child’s education including his extra activities and socialization, cooking good food, writing lots of strong material, cultivating myself etc. However, that voice confirmed that there was a big mental disorder within me and that I had to urgently follow a therapy, because it was a disorder which was unfortunately disturbing a lot of things within me and badly disturbing the marital relationship I cultivate with my husband since 12 years and with my child since 6 years.

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A couple of years ago, when I still had a Facebook account, there was a Moroccan pal on my Facebook list who mentioned to me that she was suffering with ADHD. I didn’t really pay attention to her disease and thought that it didn’t concern me. But when I did some researches about that disorder, even though I started having some doubts a couple of months ago that I could be concerned about ADHD too, almost all the symptoms which were described in that disorder confirmed exactly what I feared… And yes, the results of my researches proved them all: I have ADHD and at a quite high level as it covers almost all the symptoms that I actually am suffering from!

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When my husband and my son came home, I burst in tears and I mentioned to them the nature of my problem, which was something that I suspected suffering from since a couple of months, but for which I didn’t really pay attention. Either I didn’t want to accept that I had the problem, or I accepted that I had the problem but I feared any negative reaction from my husband, especially misunderstanding. And effectively, my husband refused to believe me and I begged him to pay attention to the symptoms, through some articles that I have shared with him, and which I hope he will find time to read during his day. Today unfortunately, my husband still ignores the symptoms since he didn’t have time to consult the articles that I shared with him, and which make that I need to talk about my symptoms with him myself. However he believes in me now that he knows that I am really suffering but unfortunately he cannot do anything for me. The trouble also is that here, the treatments are very expensive and are not covered by the insurance, which makes that I need to deal with it on my own.

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Here are the difficulties I face everyday and which represent signs that I have ADHD, and which are within my personality:

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Follow directions: I agree because I have a very weak sense of orientation wherever I go and I get easily lost, especially in big spaces like big shopping malls. One day in South Africa, while I was on holidays with my folks and my husband, and some other days in shopping malls here, I got lost since I don’t have the sense of orientation. But the latest episode was the worst one! On that day I was mentally very down after my husband and I got extremely angry against our young son, who misbehaved a lot on that day at the shopping mall. We stopped at a cafe for a hot drink before going back to our car with our shopping bags, but at a moment my husband asked my son to come with him until I would finish my hot drink. I saw them going away, but I cannot understand what could have happened in my mind on that day, since I didn’t even pay attention wherever they were going. I was no more sure if they were going to the parking or somewhere else and I retrieved myself in a big moment of confusion and total loss. The worst was that I didn’t have any communication facility with me since my mobile battery was completely down, as I forgot to recharge it before leaving the house. At a moment my husband and my son were totally out of sight and the first thing that came out of my mind was that maybe they were on their way to the parking. As we always park our car to the same location all the time, I could easily find my way to the car. But at my biggest surprise, they were not there and then I started to panic heavily! I came back on my footsteps and begged a staff from a furniture shop to lend me his mobile number since I needed to call my husband in emergency. He dialed my husband’s number and then I could contact him. By coincidence my husband also was panicking since he didn’t find me, and asked me with a panicking voice where I was. Then when I explained him my location he asked me not to move from my actual location and to wait for him. Then, when he got closer he called me back on the gentleman’s mobile number and then I joined him. We were all reassured to retrieve each other and I explained him in which state of mind I was and how my son’s misbehavior stressed me to the core.

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Remember information: Yes, so many times I forget a lot of essential things, and I must always note them down to remember them properly. I noticed that when I make a planning such as the list of stuffs to buy at the groceries, or the dates I menstruated or forgot to take some pills, etc, I feel better organized than when I use only my head. But I tend to plan things only on specific days or for specific events or lists to do only and it really works. But when it comes on ordinary routine days I never feel the motivation to do it and it unfortunately plays against me.

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Concentrate: Yes I easily get distracted and face huge problems of concentration, however it may be in my chores and daily do’s, or with music. I can be easily distracted when I hear again and again my favorite song or watch my favorite movie or serial on laptop or TV, and also it’s dangerous since I don’t care whether there is my son waiting for me or, even though it almost didn’t happen in the past, forgetting something being cooked on the oven! I also get very easily distracted when I see babies in front of me.

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Organize tasks: Yes I am extremely disorganized, I admit it. I include too many “dead times” in my agenda because I don’t know why, but I LOVE wasting time with social networking, with doing researches on the internet, with reading and writing, which represent a passion for me that I cannot help but cultivating. It became a drug for me since it’s my biggest refuge where I forget all my problems and overcome all my sorrows much better, including when I write constructive emails with my best friend, who is a British French author, writer, traveler and coach whom I acknowledged on LinkedIn. Also, my house chores, looking after my son, cooking food, all the tasks that any responsible housewife and mother should do, turns now into a nightmare for me, because I don’t want to do those chores and want to be totally free! Yes I know it sounds weird, but this is the impression I always had.

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Finish work on time: Yes I have difficulties finishing work on time, for the same reasons regarding concentration and organization problems that I face everyday, and I very often tend to finish all my tasks at the last minute before my husband comes home or before I go out with my son to the shopping mall or to the swimming pool. When I finish my tasks early, I feel strange because this is not me, and when I finish my task late, I feel stressed and guilty, because in reality, I don’t do my daily chores with pleasure, but rather with fear of facing an avalanche of reproaches and sarcastic remarks from my husband, who is straight-minded, down to earth and extremely well organized, all the contrary of me who is messy, forgetful and dreamy…
The article that I found also lists a series of challenges that I have to face with Adult ADHD:

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Anxiety: Yes, I am all the time anxious, because my anxiety mostly refers to all the traumatic experiences I have been having with my family, in-laws, in my marriage, in society, in the work environment and with a lot of fake friends who abused of me.

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Chronic boredom: Yes I admit it, I get bored very easily when I see that I face situations which are starting to become repetitive too often. I am actually bored because all my days are all the same with the chores, cooking, visiting the same places, travelling in the same countries all the time between Mauritius and France because of my husband’s family, meeting all the time the same people, etc. I have right now within me that anger for constant change and for discovering new things and that is why I am bored in life.

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Chronic lateness and forgetfulness: This confirms exactly the same problem I mentioned previously regarding my problems of concentration, organization and having my tasks finished on time. I always have the temptation about finishing everything at the very last hour and at the end I feel unsatisfied for having lost so much time uselessly, thinking that the next day it would be better. Unfortunately it restarts again and again and I don’t know what to do.

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Depression: Yes. I have faced very severe depression, especially in 2003 when I had faced a very bad working experience with one of my ex-bosses who was an asshole. I faced the same problem in 2007 further to a huge fight between my parents and my in-laws, and which still remains unsolved and forced me to cut total contact with my parents, even though my parents had unfortunately a part of right which I had to accept within the time. I also faced the same problem in 2011 after the birth of my unique child, since I have been suffering from post natal depression and have been raising my child in a very insane environment at my in-laws place, where I was all the time bullied and mistreated by all my in-laws and by even my husband and some of our closest friends who unfortunately gave me up in those moments where I needed them the most.

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Trouble concentrating while reading: Yes so many times it happened to me, especially if my mind was elsewhere than with my book reading or while I am writing, for example in situations where my son was with me and that I had to have an eye on him, for example at the swimming pool or at the playroom in the shopping mall.

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Trouble controlling anger: It started especially in 2014 while I was still in Seychelles, since I started breaking years and years of silent suffering caused by the brutal separation between my parents and my in-laws, the injustice that I had to face because of that separation, the bullying I faced with my in-laws because of my parents, the discrimination they were doing by starting to favor my sister-in-law and rejecting me because of my parents, finding my sister-in-law the perfect daughter-in-law of the family and me the incomplete one, dis-balance in my marriage life since we came back from the peaceful life we were living in Madagascar and retrieved ourselves into a huge tornado when we came back to Mauritius further to the socio political crisis of 2009 with problems of re-adaptation, family pressure from both sides since I was not talking to my mother anymore, over-pressure from my in-laws who were extremely exigent with me since I had no experience as a housewife, medical treatments I was following to be pregnant and to fight against severe endometriosis to be able to infant, the trauma of the experience I had with my in-laws after my son was born, the numerous times that my in-laws interfered, and this I admit with my own consent since I was so stupid and naive during that period, between me and my son, depriving me of my right to be a mother, 8 changes of home, 3 changes of countries and culture, difficulties to cope with my son’s education, the big aggressiveness that started developing within me and which didn’t exist in the past in my temperament, where very often I lost my temper and started screaming like a wild animal when I was angry, until it traumatized my poor little son, and for crowning the whole story, my poor child starting to develop signs of Autism Spectrum Disorder and who was diagnosed when we arrived in our new homeland! But to be honest, I arrived at a point where I didn’t want to overcome my anger because I have been controlling my angers for a too long time. I still have that angry demon within me who wants to rebel and to push me destroying my enemies in the same way Hindu Goddess Kali does to destroy enmity. But little by little I am slowly learning that anger will never change anything apart making things worse and making me stooping lower.

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Problems at work: The trouble was that I had to start working when I came back to Mauritius. I never wanted to do any studies in the tertiary sector. I wanted to have full academic qualifications in Literature and creative writing. Unfortunately, after I finished the Brevet des Colleges in 1995, my level started degrading, and the biggest factor behind it was my mother, who was over-pressurizing me a lot in my home work and who was bullying and terrorizing me a lot, at such a point that I started loosing confidence within my own capacities and doubting a lot about myself because of her. When I finished the Brevet des Colleges, I started a new school year named Seconde Amenagee, which is a special program on 2 years for students facing school difficulties. As from that moment, I had the courage to tell my mother that I didn’t want her anymore to help me in my homework and that I will manage alone. Unfortunately, when I finished my Seconde Amenagee, I had choices only with doing a Baccalaureate Action et Communication Commerciale, or a Baccalaureat Comptabilite et Gestion, and I chose the second option. Unfortunately, when I started my Premiere, I had to repeat it again because I had difficulties with the Comptabilite et Gestion and started too late taking tuitions with a school teacher. But when I repeated the class, then I continued my tuition with her for the two forthcoming years and that was of great help for me, even though I only had the mention “Satisfactory” for my Baccalaureate. I continued also studying as I applied for a BTS Assistant de Gestion PME PMI in Mauritius, since I didn’t want to leave the country to go to France. I was scared to go to France, since my godmother, who was also my patriarchal half-sister, went to study medicine there, but was bullied so much by my matriarchal family who was living in France that she couldn’t survive the overpressure and she died at only 26 years old after having been graduated and after having been engaged to a French doctor there. Moreover, my mother was obsessed by having me married to a French guy since she was always obsessed with White people and fair skinned people, and God knows how I succeeded into resisting to all that pressure though very often I cried alone in my room and was extremely nervous and even turned anorexic. My marriage with my husband unfortunately didn’t arrange anything since my husband never matched with the kind of son-in-law my mother wanted to have in her life, as he didn’t satisfy her ego at all. And when I was in Madagascar, even though the Malagasy work environment was based mostly on the French curriculum, and though I could obtained my BTS though my average note for the final exam was 10 out of 20, which represented the big minimum I could obtain for obtaining my BTS, I had a lot of difficulties to assume my professional capacities, and my working competence was average in some sectors, and very poor and unproductive in some other sectors which I failed into understanding. Also I completely stopped working for that company though I was at home doing some administrative tasks for a friend, and I involved myself in Mauritius into a very dishonest chain of distribution for which I have lost a lot of money. My professional experience unfortunately was very unsuccessful even though my colleagues appreciated a lot my personality, and with a lot of retreat, I came to understand that I was never made for that kind of job, but that my job was much more for literature and creative writing. I am taking all my chances with me to restart everything from scratch, but it’s hard for me to do so with a child and a household under my responsibility and I fail into knowing how to manage my time and fight against ADHD.

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Impulsiveness: Same problem as for trouble controlling anger, since all the anger that I have been containing after so many years of silence is already emerging from me. But that image that I added attracted my attention for its subtitle “The good, the bad and the awesome”. How could impulsiveness be something good, bad and awesome at the same time? I was then referred to an article linked with that picture, where the author of that article related about an impulsiveness experience that he had lived. He judged impulsiveness as something “Good” first, since it’s a possibility for one individual to express enthusiasm when he or she has new ideas being structured. Impulsiveness can also be bad since it’s impossible to stick on the same things all the time when you work on a project or when you plan something for your own or with your loved ones. And this happened to me and is still happening to me so many times. The trouble with me is that I hate when plans made together change every 5 minutes and unexpectedly. This was exactly what happened each time that I planned to meet my best friend a couple of months ago in Paris, since my husband’s uncle and my son were constantly making us changing our plans, my uncle due to unexpected events which he tended to impose on our schedule, and my son due to his childish behaviour and requests. When it comes on such unexpected stuffs coming from other people I can feel extremely irritated and pissed off, since I hate last minute changes and always failed to deal with them calmly. But when it comes about unexpected changes coming directly from me, then I am more flexible and tolerant. Finally, as the author said, impulsiveness can be something awesome, and for this we have to make it awesome ourselves. In his article, the author gave some interesting advice based on his motto that he shared with us: we use the good, cut out the bad, and therefore make it awesome.

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Low tolerance for frustration: I never really knew what it meant until I saw the explanation above, but yes definitely, I am somebody very frustrated with my own life when I think about all the failures I accumulated, the big mistakes that I did in my life, the numerous times I failed into taking opportunities which were presented in front of me because I was afraid or couldn’t afford them, the numerous failures I faced with my insane parents, my insane family and with some of my in-laws, but which suddenly turned into a will for me to restart everything from scratch for better succeeding in life and being happy doing a career that I want to do and which would allow me finding a better balance in my life.

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Low self-esteem: Yes, for the same reasons as for low tolerance and frustration, and so many times I really hate myself for what I am, for having become what others want me to be and for not being what I really wanted to become. And yet, so many times I feel that I am awesome and wonderful, and so many times I tried to fall again in love with myself. But those moments never happened in reality but only in my imagination. I imagined myself in front of my mirror as a successful writer in prom dress receiving a prize for her best sellers. I very often imagined myself as a talented musician, since I always cultivated passion for percussion and violin, and dressed all in red, my favorite color. I imagined myself also as a rock singer in black leather boots and sexy mini dress, singing with a cymbal in my hand in front of so many of my loved ones. But when reality comes back into my mind, I feel completely different, stupid and ugly, though I know that I have so many skills to shine in my life. This low self-esteem unfortunately is a result from my tumultuous past because of my parents, who never saw the best in me, who always saw the ugly in me and who were narcissistic, egocentric sociopaths who raised me as a golden child and thanks to whom I always have the feeling of being a huge failure for everyone, starting with myself and my little family. If you want to have a clue of what a golden child is, here is a picture below, and which proves that being a golden child is NOT a position to envy and that it’s a very difficult family educational disorder from which you can recover:

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Mood swings: Yes, I have very often mood swings, since I can be very happy and in a fraction of second I can turn to be like hell, or extremely peevish without any concrete reason.

Poor organization skills: Same thing as I said previously with problems of concentration and organization.

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Procrastination and self-harm: I do it since I am a child, by biting and breaking my nails and finger skin very regularly. But this is not all of it. I tend to waste a lot of time and always have the impression that all what I am doing is lasting for an eternity, including tasks that I can do only within 5 minutes. I also face stress disorder, because I always feel pressurized by my husband and still feel the effect of the over-pressure that I have passed through with my parents and even with my in-laws even though things changed drastically and improved by my side, and even though I live on my own with my husband and my son. I admit that I think about too many things at the same time and in a very disordered way, and that I often feel lack of energy for doing the most simple things in life. I admit that I have big trouble in focusing on the most important aspects of my life and for the welfare of my child. Finally, I admit that I very often face muscle tensions, especially at the shoulders during the massage sessions, and sometimes have headache. I admit that I cover all those ADHD symptoms regarding procastination, such as Daydreaming since I love dreaming a lot and have a huge sense of imagination as an aspiring writer to be. I accept that I very often tend to forget or to loose things without even realizing it when it comes on loosing things. It recently happened since I never retrieved a book bag belonging to my son, which made that I had to pay a penalty with the school library, since the book bag contained two library books that my son borrowed from there. It also happened that a new pink shirt that my husband bought in shopping mall a couple of months ago after our settlement in my new homeland, and which I never washed before, completely disappeared without me realizing it. Yes I admit that I make a lot of careless mistakes or take unsafe risks. An example of taking unsafe risks is that I very often let my son pedaling his bicycle on the edge of the road even though there are cars coming and going, and even though I always have a close eye on him. Another example that I do careless mistakes is that I repetitively, and very often on purpose I admit it, never have the notion of time when I go out with my son, or that I always use the wrong cloth to clean the kitchen, since I take the cloth used to dry the dishes instead of a cleaning cloth! Squirming, I don’t know whether I used to squirm, but I very often talk alone and have flappy hands and fingers when I turn nervous. Fidgeting, however, happens to me very often with my hair or with my fingers. I also faced some symptoms of depression so many times, where I wanted to commit suicide or to die. It happened at so many moments of my life where I was deeply desperate with myself and wanted to put an end to my life to meet my deceased half-sister in another world… I even remember that one year after the big fight between my parents and my in-laws, I wanted to put an end in my life by jumping from upstairs when I arrived at my office, and my husband was unable to understand what was really happening to me. I very often also had appetite and weight loss, which turned into anorexia, especially when I was in Madagascar during a period I was deeply down after the fight between my parents and my in-laws, several years which followed my son’s birth while I was in Seychelles, during which my husband and I were having a lot of fights and that my in-laws were over-invading our house with their visits and caprices, especially my father in law and my husband’s uncle from Paris, who is a very possessive and emotionally vampire person, despite all the good qualities that he has shown such as a generous and hardworking person. Finally, even though I am convinced to have ADHD, I also have some symptoms related with OCD, mostly overthinking about bad memories from my past life experiences, which usually take a lot of time for me to forget and which affect me a lot physically and morally. For example, it took me 10 years to overcome the impossibility of the reconciliation between my parents and my in-laws, and I still have never overcome my very first heartbreak that I experimented at 16 years old, even though 20 years elapsed after it happened!

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Relationship problems: I have been lucky to have someone who is straight minded, down to earth, discipline and hardworking in life… Unfortunately I still feel there is a wall separating the both of us because there are too many differences between us which makes that there is no possibility to create a Just Middle between us to better hang up with each other. Because of that, I always have the feeling that I must always show a face of myself that my husband wants me to have and that I don’t feel free to be whatever I would like to be because my husband never accepted me the way I AM, but wanted me to be the way he and his family wanted me to be. I have also had too many breakups, because my choices never matched with my mother’s choices and I suffered from a very brutal breakup with my ex because he was widely influenced by his father since his father disliked my European style and the fact that I used to speak French, which was never tolerated in their family. After one month of breakup only that I decided to marry my actual husband.

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Substance abuse or addiction: Yes, I am extremely addicted with sugar that I put in my tea or coffee, because I was told by an ex-colleague that when you consume sweet things, it’s because you are sad and that you are desperately looking for a way to find re-comfort into sweetness. I dislike cigarette though, and only now started developing taste for alcohol, but yet I still control myself since on cigarette and alcohol, my father succeeded into never letting me involved in them, especially alcohol, maybe because he knows that my mother is alcoholic and that he cannot control her. I have also been addicted to Facebook at such a point that I was neglecting my family. I won’t say that my addiction stopped because I keep on borrowing my husband’s mobile to surf on his Facebook account as if it was mine, since we have some contacts in common and some interests in common which feature on his Facebook account. However, I am very addicted with Social Platforms, and even with Literature and Creative Writing. I am dying with curiosity for discovering new things of life and developing myself. And on that kind of addiction I don’t want to change.

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Low motivation: Yes, so many times, especially when I am stuck into a daily and boring routine in my life, like as I mentioned before. I am also fed up with the trips that we do because my husband always chose Mauritius and France as the only destinations where we traveled, whereas there are so many options and at cheaper prices that we could take. I complained about it with him so many times, but he just told me that his financial situation couldn’t allow him going in other destinations, but that as soon as his situation would improve we could visit something else. Personally I don’t believe him, because there are opportunities which are waiting for us. Maybe also it’s his lack of geographic knowledge which makes him talking like that, and for that I admit I need to help him since I have deeper geographic knowledge.

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PROBLEMS AT SCHOOL: I did very well at school when I was in Primary School but things started changing after I took part at the Brevet des Colleges. Even though I was doing well at school, unfortunately I was terrorized and over-pressurized by my mother, who never had faith in my capacities and who always underestimated me with her excessive discipline and obsession of making me over-passing myself. As I said before, even though I stopped having my mother with me, the fact that she over-pressurized me had some severe consequences on my concentration problems, not only for my studies, but even for the rest of my life. Unfortunately things got worse when I got married due to too much pressure from my husband and my in-laws, who are all extremely maniac when it comes on hygiene, discipline and hard work, since they still have the scars of the poverty in which they have been growing up, and from which they never recovered. And the fact that I come from a rich family unfortunately didn’t arrange things, despite all the efforts that I had to overdo to be accepted in the family and by my husband. The fact that I had to build a personality to please others instead of pleasing myself makes me extremely unhappy and uncomfortable. As well as I was raised as a golden child at home, in another hand I was severely bullied at school especially during my primary years and a part of my secondary years, because I was all the time quiet, lonely and never involved in anyone’s games. I was never dropped out from school nor university, but I interrupted my studies for my E-Commerce License since I was completely lost in most of the subjects and had no basics in computer science, and as I mentioned before, I repeated my Premiere and before that, I had to make a Seconde Amenagee which distanced me from my Baccalaureate orientation completely. I wanted to add also that I have unfortunately been bullied and discouraged by a pupil who never wanted me to do a Literary Baccalaureate, pretending that I would never know how to assimilate my languages properly! Another one once even mocked me when I said I wanted to do Action et Communication Commerciale or Comptabilite et Gestion, which both represented branches from the field Sciences et Technologies Tertiaires. I still remember the mocking that he did over me, and unfortunately his mocking brought negative fruits as I doubted a lot on myself and felt that I wasn’t made for that kind of job. I was always shy and lonely and had a lot of difficulties to make strong friendship bonds with the other pupils of the class who wanted to approach me. I was subject to so many fake rumors about me, that I was mentally delayed or disturbed, something like that. I never was dropped out from school, but I once escaped from school for meeting my boyfriend of that period, a guy whom my parents disagreed with and whom I had been having a secret relationship with for about 2 years, until I decided to put an end to it as it would never work between us.

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–  I admit that I changed jobs and had poor performance at work during the few times that I was working for other companies. But the most catastrophic working experience, which maybe is the cause I couldn’t cope with work environment anymore in addition of my average exam results, is the 2 month experience I had in the HR Department of a Printing and Packaging company, when I was working as a HR Assistant cum Secretary. After 2 months and so many fights and bullying from my dominating boss, I resigned with all my anger and did a very catastrophic signing with an ex colleague, and I was diagnosed anxiety depression by the doctor of the company. My HR Manager menaced me since I gave my complaint and resignation letter directly to the General Manager without passing by him, and two weeks later he replied to me in a very menacing and arrogant way to scare me… But Karma turned against him, since he was fired from the company further to a very serious professional mistake he was accused of. My working environment in Mauritius in general was horrible, mostly because of the Mauritian mentality, with which I couldn’t cope at all. Mine in Madagascar was rather good as long as it consisted into administrative tasks, but I was completely null in Logistics. When I completely left the working environment, then I realized that I wanted to become a writer.

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– As I don’t drive I never had speeding tickets, license suspended nor was involved in more crashes. However, it took me 7 temptations to get my driving license, and I didn’t obtain it with my own efforts, but instead I obtained it thanks to my ex-boyfriend, who bribed a policeman he knew very well to help me passing my license! But karma once more turned against me, because I didn’t deserve that license as it was obtained with bribe, even though my ex boyfriend did it with a good intention for me. Because of that bribe, God punished me and I cannot drive anymore. I don’t smoke cigarettes since I never could stood tobacco, I was never addicted to drugs, but I merely started drinking, and I am rather addicted with social networking on my mobile and with sugar. Yes, I have less money, and to be honest, I have no more money. I am completely ruined, since I spent a lot of money uselessly by buying all sorts of rubbish and getting memberships for all sort of online job platforms, within my desperate obsession for freedom and for preserving my dignity, an obsession that I still have within me as I don’t want to depend on my husband anymore financially. Finally I admit, that I really have a lot of psychological trouble as I got very often depressed and anxious, and I even had so many nightmares during my sleep.

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– There are a lot of other things on which I wrote so many things in the past as they affected me a lot, but I will never mention about them anymore, since I was wisely and toughly advised by some good and loyal people I have been lucky to meet in life to put a big cross on those chains of the past, not only because it was painful for me to keep those chains alive for myself, but also because it was very uncomfortable for my readers, my family and my surroundings to read so many crude things, since they could be fatal for me in the meaning that anyone could bully me in return for having had the courage of spreading the truth about them, and that it could also affect me and my family in the future. It was very hard for me to accept this, but I accepted removing all those blog posts since they could be fatal for me in the future and even attract a lot of hateful and disturbing opinions and comments on me, for which I admit I wouldn’t be strong enough to face nor to fight against. But only one thing though that I would like to share and that a friend of mine once told me: Your parents are your very first prints in your life. If they are good prints, you will grow up good, if they are bad prints, you will survive with those bad prints all your life. Unfortunately I belong to the second sad category of children and it’s very hard for me today to rise again as I still carry so many heavy scars in me. As I told my husband, you can have a loveable husband, many loyal friends or therapists who will advise you and help you rebuilding yourself, but they will never replace the essence of life that your parents are supposed to bring in you, and you will always feel incomplete because your parents never brought in you that essence of life. This is exactly what I am myself actually facing.

Unfortunately, since therapies here are expensive and not covered by insurance, and since there are lots of shadows from my past that I don’t want to unveil anymore and that I removed away from my blog forever, I prefer not following any therapies. The fact that I could break that silence already consists into a big therapy for me, and I hope that through my experience, I will be able to inspire other people suffering with ADHD like me to have the courage to express themselves. I also took a lot of time to understand one important thing, which is that ADHD can be an explanation in bad life management, but should not be an excuse. I hope that after I wrote all those words and confessions, I will be able to stand up again and to overcome that mental disorder bravely, even though I need to do it alone, and for which I don’t loose hope, though at times I can be morally down or fed up.